Wrestlemania XXVIII – Preview and Predictions.

Posted on April 1, 2012

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Wrestlemania XXVIII – Preview and Predictions

Well, it’s that time of year again. The Showcase of the Immortals begins at it’s usual ungodly hour this evening, making organizing the drinking incredibly difficult, especially if you have to get a train to London merely hours after it finishes. But that doesn’t matter, because it’s Wrestlemania. Not just any Wrestlemania, but the biggest Wrestlemania in history. Just like last year. In all seriousness, the card looks really good, and whilst there are minor gripes I’m looking forward to the majority of the matches. Plus, The Rock is back. Can’t lose right? Here are the predictions, put together by myself and an army on non-wrestling fans. Well, I say that, but one prediction provider watches the product as much as I do (Chris Proctor), another usually keeps up with it (Ashley Morton), and Benji has had it forced on him recently. So, in no particular order, your panel…

Chris Proctor – One of my oldest friends, a Welshpool hero, and the only thing that is really missing from this card is a John Bills/Chris Proctor tables match, straight from the old Squirts promotion.
Richard Orr – A damn fine man and an even finer illustrator, Rich is very tall and has nice hair. He lives in London, and slept on Ashley’s floor last week. Good times.
Ashley Morton – General all round hero. Writes the brutally handsome In Nothing We Trust blog, which is linked to the right. Also made the Harald Math songs sound good. I’m in the process of emotionally blackmailing him into coming up for it.
Benji Davies – Benji is a wunderbar. One of my bestest chums, pretty much the reason I think every other drummer is rubbish. Currently traverses the globe with Metronomy. Still looks like Charlie Manson.
Kev Ruscoe – Old college chum, computer mastermind and Everton fan. As far as I remember he watched the product during the Monday Night Wars. But then again, didn’t we all? Top chap.
Geordie Ben: Back for his second stint on the predictions, my old Uni flatmate Geordie Ben. Still hilarious. Stilarious.

And then there’s me. I’ve been watching Wrestling for over 20 years now, and I tend to get quite excited at Wrestlemania. I’ll have a pound on Shelton Benjamin winning Money in the Bank, even though there isn’t a ladder match on the card. Oh, and Shelton doesn’t work for the company anymore. Here’s the predictions…
John Cena vs. The Rock

John: I 100% am going with The Rock here. I understand the logic behind Cena winning, but I can’t see Rocky losing the main event of Wrestlemania in his home town.
Benji: Boots to Asses vs. Rise Above the Hate (or something equally pithy). It’s a no brainer. I’m with The Rock on this one.
Ashley: The Rock. All day long. For no other reason than The Rock is awesome and Cena is a complete tool
Richard: This Cena fella looks like a dwarf, is he standing on a box? I think he’ll slip under the Rocks advances, turning the ball bag into a punch bag. The cap will keep the blood out of his eyes.
Kev: I last saw The Rock kicking it with Ferrell and Wahlberg in the “smash hit” ‘The Other guys”. While he looked the part, he has surely got to be 50 by now. Cena, on the other hand, has to be 16 judging by cap he riding. Youth plays a huge part in Wrestling. I’m going with the teenager on this one. Cena for the win
Proccy: Rock wins. Rock has to win on his comeback and in Miami, but he will do all he can to make Cena look good. Cena will put THE GREAT ONE over. I would love Cena to turn heel and screw Rock out of this, but we all know that wont happen. It will swing back and forth, Rock will kick out of the AA and will just make it to the ropes instead of tapping in the STFU and Cena will kick out of the rock bottom at least 3 times. There will be a hand shake and a hug and they will walk out together.
Geordie Ben: In the match of John Cena versus the Rock I predict that although Cena has two visible hands the Rock will ultimately win because if he can escape to witch mountain to the centre of the earth to become the Scorpion King he can beat down a regular man with his elbows. Also he didn’t do The Pacifier, that was Vin Diesel.

 

Undertaker vs. HHH
John: No wrestling fan will be betting against Taker here. He doesn’t lose at Mania, full stop. Taker wins.
Benji: I can’t really remember the story on this one. Undertaker and Michaels were friends. Then shit went down. Now they’re not. Michaels can end the streak? Nah, not buying it. Taker to win. (Good old DX confusion there Ben).
Ashley: Undertaker. I will be cheering no end for HHH, but I don’t think ‘the streak’ is ending this year. Michaels will try his darnedest to rig the match in favour of his best friend and against the man who ended his career, but ‘Taker is winning this one sadly. Is there any point to The Undertaker any more?
Richard: The ref is a wrestler! This is madness, well I give this to the ‘HHH’ as they’re clearly former lovers and the witchdoctor goes it alone. Triple H is Man Utd and they usually have 12 men.
Kev: HELL in a cell, the UNDERTAKER. That lines up perfectly for The Undertaker win. However, H*3 looks tough when doing a Google Image search. I’m not sure on this one, they are both old (old) school wrestlers, so I’ll pick HhH for the win.
Proccy: Taker win. In Takers last match he wont lose, HHH will put him over. It makes bad business sense to end the streak and we know HHH is a company man. Taker will retire 20-0.
Geordie Ben: For the match of Hell in a Cell, The Undertaker versus Triple H I do believe that Triple H will win due to his emphasis on the letter H and amazing Blue Steel manoeuvre skills. Also The Undertaker has developed moobs and this will only get in the way, especially in such a tight environ such as a cell.

 

CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho

John: Battle of the best in the world. Punk wins for me, he’s gained some decent momentum as champion and deserves a long run. Plus, you don’t rag on someone’s Papa and Sister. Poor form Jericho.
Benji: Boozy father story. Jericho to win. Punk will then consider getting ripped to the tits on hooch, decide against, and knock the kak out of Jericho under a flyover.
Ashley: This is a tough one as I love both guys. CM Punk is unrivalled on the mic and at ad-libbing, but Jericho is the best in the world at what he does. Whatever that is. I’ll go for Punk, mainly because he is amazing. Plus you don’t cuss someone’s parents or sister; it would set a bad example to the kids if Jericho won. Punk on the other hand is a fine role model.
Richard: I don’t even know which is which but one already has a belt so surely the other guy is going to win? Isn’t that how it works? (That’s a Jericho then).
Kev: What does CM stand for in CM punk. If it’s Child Molesters, I’m hoping Jericho fuckin’ kills him. Christopher for the win.
Proccy: Jericho win. I love Jericho and if he wins here it will start a breakdown for Punk which will result in him going nuts and regaining his title at Extreme Rules. Plus, why would they bring Jericho back just to lose at the Rumble and Mania?
Geordie Ben: For the match of CM Punk versus Chris Jericho I am taking a punt with God, to fell Jericho CM Punk is going to need some trumpets (Joshua 6: 1-27). If not Punk is gone, no matter how straight edge he is. So it is a close match unless there is a brass section close by to the ring.

 

Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus

John: My heart says Daniel ‘YES! YES! YES!’ Bryan, but I’m putting my sober pound on Sheamus. Time a Rumble winner won at the big one.
Benji: Daniel Escape Plan vs. Sheamus. If he can beat his Mrs, he can beat a Sheamus. (Is that right? Wife Beater Escape Plan?). Daniel to win.
Ashley: Bloody hell Daniel Bryan has beefed up! I have no idea what this feud is about. Bryan is a very good technical wrestler but a boring character (last time I watched) and Sheamus is a bit of a lump in the ring but a good character. I’ll choose style over substance with this one and go with Sheamus.
Richard: This is battle of the beards. ‘If Sheamus put as much time into his training as he did to his facial hair, he’d be a mean contender isn’t that right Bob?’ Viking face (Daniel Bryan) all the way!
Kev: Sheamus is a terrible name for a wrestler. But I’ve heard his name being chucked around a lot, so he must be good. I’m going for the Irish fella to win.
Proccy: Daniel Bryan win. Don’t know why really just don’t think its time for him to lose it. Bryan will keep it until the next PPV when either this rivalry continues or possibly against Cody Rhodes.
Geordie Ben: In the duel of Daniel Bryan versus Sheamus, it is the vampire like Sheamus for the ultimate victory as his deathly Irish pallor will blind Bryan into submission by the studio lighting. No matter the width of Daniels neck or honest eyes.

 

Cody Rhodes vs. The Big Show

John: Again, my heart says Cody but my head says Big Show. I think this will be a Big Show WrestleMania retribution instance, and Cody can go on to the main event scene.
Benji: Big man will fall over. Cody to win.
Ashley: Not one I particularly care much about to be honest. Big Show. Good Lord, my contribution to this preview is invaluable
Richard: Pahhhh hahahahaaaaaaa…..hahahaaaaa..huchhh..hhh.. paaaahahaha….

Give the man a knife and fork! (The Big Show).
Kev: Is this a joke? The Big Show looks about 10 stone heavier. If I had a fight with a guy 10 stone heavier, I know I’ll lose. So a win for the Big Show is on the cards.
Proccy: Big show win. I think Cody will be pushed towards a world title in the coming year so I think the Big Show is the perfect man to be put over here. He has been a joke at previous Wrestlemania’s, (Mayweather, Sumo), so he deserves a big victory.
Geordie Ben: For Cody Rhodes versus Big Show I am in no doubt that Cody is actually a UPS courier and the match is just a pre-arranged delivery time. Big Show will then hold the belt up and fold the chair he has to hand out and sit on it. So Big Show wins.

 

Randy Orton vs. Kane

John: Could not possibly care less about this match. Orton wins, because Kane is upper midcard enhancement these days. I’ll treat this match as the bookers have, and spend the time throwing some food together purely because those ingredients need to be used. A crisp and beer sandwich it is. Which will be more interesting than this.
Benji: Kane to win.
Ashley: I fancy The Viper to nick this. Again, no idea what the feud is about, so no actual reasoning behind my prediction other than I’ve never liked either character, but I’ve liked Kane even less. Having said that, with his long black hair and mask on he looks a bit like Mick Thompson which earns him points. About turn! Kane to win.
Richard: I think the corpse is going to ruin that pretty face..at least I hope so! (Kane)
Kev: A little wikipedia search revealed that Kane first made his appearance as “Dr. Isaac Yankem”, a private dentist for Jerry Lawler. I didn’t know that, everyday is a school day. Anyway, I wouldn’t mess with dentist and I certainly wouldn’t mess with anyone claiming they’re a dentist when they’re clearly not. I predict a Kane win.
Proccy: Orton win. Easy one for me. Del Rio should have been Orton’s opponent and I think they have run out of ideas for this. Poor storyline, poor feud. It will be good match but Orton WILL win. I liked the whole Kane vs Cena thing a while back but they are again running out of ideas for the big red machine
Geordie Ben: Randy Orton versus Kane I am putting my money on Randy as it seems Kane has body issues and should not win. This should send a positive message that good wrestlers are not afraid to work out and show their face. Maybe he should get tattoos too, that would make him look cooler. Also lose the one glove. And sort his hair out; it is all in his face and obscuring his view. He doesn’t have to necessarily cut it but it is such a liability. I mean it isn’t 1993 any-more; even Trent Reznor cuts his hair.

 

Team Teddy vs. Team Johnny

John: Team Johnny all the way. Can’t see Teddy running both shows, and look at the strength of the two damn teams. I mean, The Great Khali? Zack Ryder? Booker T? Team Johnny wins after Mark Henry literally eats Zack Ryder. Literally.
Benji: Funkhauser (Johnny) to win.
Ashley: Team Teddy 100%. Santino could win it all by himself by cobra-ing everyone, even without the Ghanaian/ Jamaican/ American Kofi Kingston spotting all over the place and R-Truth waxing lyrical about Lil’ Jimmy. However, Drew MacIntyre will probably lose this for Team Johnny all by himself, just by being unbelievably lame. A poor man’s Sheamus.
Richard: Oooof this is going to be a blood bath..There is the tall fella in the back, he’s going to smite all with his chin alone. (Team Teddy)
Kev: Sounds like the gayest match up in the history of match ups. Team Johnny looks the more likely to win, so I predict a win for them.
Proccy: Team Teddy win. because no one can survive the COBRA.
Geordie Ben: This is a poor choice of words; sounds like something on the Hugh Heffner’s apprentice. But ultimately I know that team with the smuggest faces will win. That would be Team Teddy I think. There is an integral point to Wrestlemania that the over the top seriousness suck and teams full of serious frowny faces don’t win. And if they do win, morally they lose.

 

Beth and Eve vs. Maria and Kelly

John: Token diva’s match. I’m going for Maria and Kelly, because celebrities don’t lose at WrestleMania. I’ll spend it with my eyes closed imagining Beth vs. Kharma. Unless I have had a lot of beer by then, at which point I’ll close my eyes and imagine Layla vs. Me.
Benji: Kelly and Menounos to win.
Ashley: Well Beth looks a bit like a Viking with her headdress and is clearly much harder than any of the other lingerie models, Phoenix to win.
Richard: Hmm..using my analytical skills honed over many years of studying wrestling, I’d say this is the one to watch, we’re in for some fantastic wrestling entertainment and the winner is viewer!
Kev: Ah, the reason guys watch WWF. Wait? They changed it to WWE? Huh. Maria Menounos doesn’t look like a wrestler. The other’s look like they sex you up and give you every STD under the sun. Based on that theory alone, Beth and Eve look the winners here.
Proccy: Kelly and Maria win. Celebrities don’t lose at Wrestlemania.
Geordie Ben: As for what is essentially foxy boxing tag team, I must relegate my opinion to my wife who believes the team with the lady in a black tank top and yellow skirt (Maria Menounos?) should lose. She has spent a good 5 minutes telling me that what is the point in bothering to back her team if she can’t co-ordinate with a similar black bejazzled outfit to her team mate. This fretting would no doubt dominate the wrestlers mind and distracted she would look up to find the match is already over and everyone has gone home. (Beth and Eve).

Enjoy the show, don’t drink as much as I will.

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Posted in: Wrestling