The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Not Seeing Metallica.

Posted on May 9, 2012


So I saw Metallica.

I didn’t want to see Metallica. I detest Metallica. I will go on record as saying they are possibly the most overrated band in all of the world. They are so incredibly boring, it is unreal. I just don’t get it. Every song sounds like it was constructed in the amount of time it took to play it, James Hetfield’s voice does nothing for me, Lars Ulrich is a fool and the bassist looks like a latin crab. Okay, ‘Battery’ is a tune, and I can enjoy ‘The Unforgiven’, but really, I don’t get it. In fact, I don’t get it to the point that I genuinely think ‘St Anger’ is the best Metallica album. (Fact. It is).

I woke up yesterday after a whole 2 hours sleep. The 2 night shifts previously had been pleasant enough, especially the 2nd one, where we had a solid battery of interesting people. Even the Canadians. My plan was to head across the bridge to Bioskop Fontana for the FilmFest that is currently ranging through Beograd (spoiler: I am going tonight), but first I would go across to Time Hostel with Brendan and Aria to meet up for a beer. Just one beer.

Just one beer.

I think it was about half way across the bridge when it was confirmed in my head that I would be going to see Metallica. Jan, the Norwegian Viking who took the photos of the derby that you may have seen, gave me plenty of reasons to go (1. Beer 2. Metal), and Aria didn’t help. Lovely girl. So after a good solid time sitting outside the shopping centre (side note: Smashing Pumpkins playing on the radio, how much of a tune is ‘Cherub Rock?!’). and drinking beer, along with the 18484th and 18485th repeats of my ‘accidentally hitting a midget’ story, that really is getting shorter and shorter with each repeat and I’m starting to think that maybe it wasn’t true, we headed to the gig. After a brief discussion with a tout in my best Larry David undertone, I bought a ticket for Metallica/Machine Head/Gojira for 33 euros. That’s right, 33 euros. We got inside, we pushed as far as we could, and then I went to the bar for a better hearing of Machine Head. They gave the performance you would expect, with the usual rubbish between songs (Serbiaaaaaa! You guys are *expletive* loud! This is the best *expletive* show of our lives! etc etc). But Rob Flynn is no fool, and he made a very good point. A very good point that went over the heads of everyone there. Everyone except me, of course.

Just before the last song, Flynny boy said something along the lines of ‘if we weren’t up here doing this, we would be down there with you guys drinking beer and having a good time’. Nice sentiment indeed, an endearing sentiment that surely gave 99.9% of the people the feeling that they were watching one of their own, that these guys were metalheads just like us. Here’s my take on what Bobby was actually saying.

‘If you guys stopped drinking beer and having fun, you could be up here doing this. Stop wasting time, you fools’.

The man has a point.

I had pushed my way back to where our group was situated via a mix of guile and stealth, and waited for Jimmy and the boys. After staring at the back of Aria’s head for a while, Me and Jan had an idea as to the best way to enjoy Metallica. Literally 45 seconds before they started, we made the decision. To the bar we went, and at the bar we stayed. We got a decent view of the big screens, and the sound was alright, and the beer was cheap. Aria and Nikola eventually made their way to us, and I set out to befriend as many Serbs as possible, something that seemingly led me to befriending a chugload of Bosnians. As is the way.

My admission, is that I had a really good night. A brilliant night in fact, it really showed the power of good company. We have a Tool drinking game planned for the evening, but whether that happens I’m not sure, as I have some documentaries to see. But of course, the best laid plans rarely come to fruition, and the chances are I’ll not take Bobby Flynn’s advice and will feel sorry for myself tomorrow. No, no more. Time to listen to Bob.

‘St Anger’ is still their best album.