WrestleMania XXIX: Preview and Predictions

Posted on April 6, 2013

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I freakin’ love Wrestlemania.

It comes around quick doesn’t it.

Yes ladies and gentleman, it is WrestleMania sunday all over again. One year has gone, countless changes have ocurred in all of our lives, but one thing stays the same. WrestleMania is a big freakin’ deal to me. Okay, maybe I’m a little less excited than last year, but that was to be expected, what with all of the rematches. In a way though, I’m glad these rematches are here, for reasons explained here in. Anyway, its predictions time, and this years panel consists of…

John Bills: Me. Brutally handsome man.
Ashley Morton: Back from last year, absolute hero. Harald Math vocals and drums and general recording, innothingwetrust blog, king.
Rich Orr: Hilarious tall man, with the chin of dreams.
Alex Williams: Devil and Casey Jones vocal man, general all round champion, resides in Japan, probably does a better Japanese accent than me.
Barry Williams: The only other guy who knows anything about wrestling in this list and in this town. Host of annual Wrestlemania joy.
Ben Rogers: Geordie Ben, a hero of past predictions.

THE ROCK VS. JOHN CENA
John:
My reason for being glad this is on? It means I’ll be able to take my drunk arse to sleep an hour or so earlier than usual. I don’t really care too much for this match, instead hoping there is a Chikara invasion or something. John Cena to win, because you know, redemption blah blah blah.
Ash: It is no coincidence that ‘John Cena’ sort of rhymes with ‘Dong Weiner’. ‘The Rock’ doesn’t rhyme with anything even slightly phallic. For this reason, ‘The Rock’ will win.
Rich: John Cena looks like a bmx pro. Give up this wrestling game and do something gnarly. Bet he can’t even do an Ollie! I say tribal tits will place 3 items on a table, a wrench, a baseball bat and a giant shiny, jewel incrusted oversized belt. Cena chose the belt because fuck him that’s why! Rock win.
Alex: Almost everything I know about John Cena I learned from accidentally catching his movie The Marine on late night TV once. In that he’s a human weapon, and he romps through the whole thing on God-mode looking unstoppable. That said I’m one of the eight people in the world who like The Rock in Southland Tales, where he plays an amnesiac movie star being manipulated by Sarah Michelle Gellar’s online porn starlet and something- something-end-of-the-world. Therefore: The Rock will win.
Barry: He of the garish shirts, often-dodgy promos, supposedly poor ring skills, who shows up every week or He of the late-90s catchphrases, overly-large muscles and minimal cardio strength, and part-time schedule. Much like my pick, I’m a company man. Cena wins, then goes hyper-babyface: the next six months should be full of video montages of Cena kissing babies, signing autographs and minimising his ‘move set’ to the point where all he does is hit the ropes awkwardly, running bulldog where he effectively belly-flops his opponent, AA, then a deliberately rubbish pinfall, where he acts like he doesn’t know to pin someone properly. All those blokes in those ‘I Hate Cena’ t-shirts should really know better by now, and this will be their punishment for being men in their 20s and 30s who dislike what is effectively a fictional character so much they will print t-shirts to that effect. Losers, just like their boy Rocky will be.
Geordie Ben: In this battle of angry lipped men I believe the outcome to be for the definitive article wrestler ‘THE ROCK’. A man brimming of such shirtless confidence such as he has no great worry about a man who dresses inappropriately for wrestling, for if John was to turn up without his hat or t-shirt I would be crest fallen. Is John trying to ape The Rock style if he turns up with his top on? These things would be on my mind, sending bad vibes out, stunning Cena and ultimately giving THE ROCK amble time to continue owning a belt.

THE UNDERTAKER VS. CM PUNK
John:
It’s WrestleMania, therefore Undertaker wins. I guarantee my drunk pound will go on CM Punk, mostly because in all the years we’ve done this I’ve not bet on Taker once and I feel like the ‘I Told you’ will be immense. Still, Taker wins.
Ash: This old flippin’ chestnut? The Undertaker, obviously. You could put Pat Butcher in the ring, give her some S&M gear to wear and call her ‘The Undertaker’ and she would beat anybody, because it’s WWE. But my money’s on the bePepsied CM Punk. It is a pound down the drain, but a pound well spent.
Rich: Who would you rather meet in a dark ally!? Deciding on the winner here is a tough task to undertake.. and I really have no idea.. In fact even if you threatened to whip out your measuring tape, drag my battered ‘hog tied’ body behind your horse lead hearse and choke slam me into my grave, I just wouldn’t be able to decide. Undertaker win.
Alex: I think if I was into wrestling I would like CM Punk, he seems like a cool guy. But I’m also aware that the Undertaker’s former right hand man passed away recently so I’m gonna say: The Undertaker will win.
Barry:
Don’t try and trick me like this, we all know
what’s going to happen.
Geordie Ben: The theological underpinnings are at work in this match. I am hazarding a guess that CM stands for ‘Christian Missonary’ as well as his main line of attack. Being an unorthodox priest I’m confident that CM Punk would win in a most unusual manner, even if I am definitely sure I have heard/ seen The Undertaker before. Is this the same man I saw as young boy? If so then get that old man out of the ring before he is seriously hurt. Or do wrestlers regenerate like that documentary show Dr Who? This would change the outcome if The Undertaker was to evolve into a new form mid fight. In that case CM would be meeting his maker and so THE UNDERTAKER is the clear heathen favourite.

ALBERTO DEL RIO VS. JACK SWAGGER
John:
Ah yes, Mexican hero vs. Xenophobic patriot. I do feel like they blew their load on this story way too early, as it was the obvious end game for Swagger. Still, its a fresh match, its actually quite interesting and unpredictable. I’ll go with Del Rio, mostly because I assume Swagger is suspended because of the DUI post-Mania.
Ash: G’lord Schthwagger has put on some pounds. The All American American American American American will overcome Del Rio with his new move, ‘The Belly Fucker’ which is little more than a violent burp that will cause Alberto’s sombrero to fall off. This is the ultimate insult for a Spaniard. He is Spanish, right?
Rich: ”HIS NAME IS del’RIO”… lalalala. yes Ive got him down to dance all over captain Jack swagger’s rum filled face. DEL’RIO..WINS
Alex: Del Rio looks like an athlete and an entertainer but Jack Swagger both looks and sounds like the villain from an 80s Schwarzenegger flick. Jack Swagger will win, and win dirty.
Barry: Can they really let the racist win the World title at Mania? Yes. But only until Ziggler cashes in on him, takes the belt and turns face.
Geordie Ben: The problem I face here is that I’m sure the names have swapped around. Surely the belt owner has a case for swagger rather than the serious vest man. Also Alberto is a terrible name in general but Rio has potential. In this fight I see the belt owner to continue to own the belt in a tense match of finger wagging and staring. However in a new rule to the match I have just added the loser must also give up their name to the winner and amalgamate the two into RIO SWAGGER.  The loser is then just nameless.

HHH VS. BROCK LESNAR
John:
Again, not as excited for this as I should be. Rematches are dull, especially with added retirement stipulations for a guy who wrestled 2 matches last year. I’m going with Brock Lesnar despite the story saying different, because look at the man.
Ash: Give me an H! Give me an H! Give me an H! HHH to win. He is still ridiculously ripped. Ripdiculous. And holy balls when did he shave his hair off?! I’m sure ‘Brock’ is a girl’s name anyway. I’ve just realised that HHH’s name is much funnier if you pronounce the three letters as a word rather than initials. Hhhhuuurrr…
Rich: I’m genuinely worried about these two, they are being consumed by their own chests, triple H is roughly 75% chest now, all that said.. I give this battle of the tits to the younger man. LESNAR WINS
Alex: I am aware of Triple H but this Lesnar dude looks like some kind of homunculus, genetically engineered from 90% groin muscle. He looks like the kind of fellow that you could belabour for quite some time with an oak chair leg before the pain signals would reach his brain, a brain that is located somewhere in the middle of his torso. Triple H’s only chance is to locate whoever is controlling the Lesnar. Lesnar will win.
Barry: This is like a classic Welshpool fight – it’s been going on for ages, they’re all old enough to know better, there’s been shouts of ‘he’s not worth it’, cheap shots, family members getting dragged into it, lots of stuff that looks like MMA moves but not done right. Maybe even some blood. They’ve probably even been having a go at each other on Facebook, with their mates talking big on the comments sections on photos and whatnot, and someone will probably end up losing their job. And much like said fights, they’re enjoyable to watch if you’re sat at a safe distance with a beer, and you’re not going to be called on as a police witness. Anyway, Lesnar’s going to win, or maybe Triple H. It won’t make much difference in the long run, I suspect. Lesnar. Triple H. Lesnar. Triple H. Lesnar. Final answer.
Geordie Ben: Man tits and no necks. This fight will be commemorated on Greek urns and processions of weeping barbers. Short hair is good for the fighting, but lacks styling options, these two guys are pretty similar. If it wasn’t for Brocks giant T on his chest I would think I was watching a man fight a mirror. What matters is positivity, like any good job application a smiling candidate is always fondly remembered. BROCK LESNAR will win the audience over with a smile and a light anecdote about how  Triple H is unfit to partake in wrestle mania. And also win the fight.

WADE BARRETT VS. THE MIZ
John:
As usual, a secondary champion is booked like a joke, and we’re expected to care about his match at a PPV. Either way, I’m going for Wade Barrett, because The Miz is sort of floundering as a babyface and I’m sure Barrett’s IC reign should amount to more than this.
Ash: Haters heart The Miz. It’s written on his tee shirt. From what I’ve seen of Wade Barrett, there is very little love in the man. In fact, I would go as far as to brand him a ‘hater’. The Miz will use this to his advantage, drawing his opponent in with friendship before hecto-power-slamming his right bone bar into ropey obvlivion. The Miz to do the biz with Wiz Bizzle’s shizz.
Rich: Mr Barrett is representing the Union of Jack’here, so I’m hoping the Miz will win!..Get your own flag wade! MIZ WINS.
Alex: Wade Barrett has a belt, but The Miz has that Dreamworks animated feature raised eyebrow and half-smirk. That guy always gets the last laugh. The Miz will win.
Barry: Apathy.
Geordie Ben: Is The Miz the emo one? Because a beard trumps an emo pretty much all the time. It seems Wade has won the belt before but just like all the other wresters fails to grasp the concept of where to put it or wear it. The plus point is that he knows how to make a fist and not an exaggerated facial expression. Also a t-shirt with the anagram  ‘the smear’ is a better name than The Miz. WADE BARRETT will win and point this out as he abuses him with something outside the ring, maybe a folded chair or something from the judges table. Maybe a judge will get involved?

CHRIS JERICHO VS. FANDANGO
John:
As much as I love Chris Jericho, I think I love Dirty Curty a little bit more at this point. If they let him go super weird, Fandango will end up being the best thing on TV, much as Dirty Curty was during the Bateman-Kaitlyn-Maxine times on NXT. Fandango to win.
Ash: I’ve never heard of ‘Fandango’. The only ‘Fandango’ I ever heard of was ‘Grim Fandango’. He was a dead Mexican with a chef’s hat for a head. Jericho to win.
Rich: Chris Jericho will ‘do’ the fandango. CHRIS WINS.
Alex: The guy is called Fandango, and his pose invites you to ‘come at him’ in the most lugubrious way possible. Or maybe to enter his ‘World of Illusion.’ Fandango will win.
Barry: FAAN – DAAAN – GO. Jericho doesn’t need to win,
and I think he will do his best to make the new guy look good before buggering off on tour again.
Geordie Ben: Now I am sure I have heard of Jericho before. So my gut reaction is to root for him all the way, with experience and sculpted abs comes success. But Fandango might subdue him in an open armed embrace that leave the audience ashamed to have brought their kids to the fight, requiring counselling or a ‘talk’ about what happened. With both such determined eyes I have flipped a coin (a 1984 £1) heads Jericho, tails Fandango.  FANDANGO comes out on top.

TEAM HELL NO VS. DOLPH ZIGGLER AND BIG E. LANGSTON
John:
This isn’t the end game for Hell No just yet. I’m saddened that Bryan and Dolph don’t have bigger stages at Mania, especially with the AJ side of things. Still, I go Hell No.
Ash:
‘Hell no’ is a phrase coined by Will Smith. Nobody ever used it before him. Will Smith is also known as ‘Big Willy’. ‘Big E’ sounds like ‘Big Willy’ with the ‘Will’ taken out of it. It is also a little known fact that Will Smith’s original surname was ‘Langston’, but he changed it to ‘Smith’ when his dog died of Augmented Brain Cholera. ‘Big E Langston’? Read ‘Big Willy Style’. Will Smith will obviously be fighting for Team Hell No and his inclusion in the opposing team is a ruse. This will be 3 against 1, Team Hell No will win easily. Dolph Lundgren doesn’t stand a chance.
Rich: TEAM HELL NO are the best thing in wrestling right now! Just look at them! If they don’t win I’m hanging up my belt..for good (not a real fan) TEAM HELL NO WIN.
Alex: Fuelled by rage over an email typo that gave him impossible expectations of a role as a masked man-mountain in the last Batman film, Kane will be unstoppable. Even taking into account the ill-advised choice of the guy from Iron and Wine as a tag team partner, Team Hell No will win.
Barry: Hell No. Ziggler still has the briefcase,
therefore cannot win a match to make his cash-in a surprise. Or some rubbish like that.
Geordie Ben: I am assuming Hell No are the owners of the beard and mask, the two taking it in turns to wear each one at a time. Now all this fantastic eye propaganda, including the belts, is a sure fire give away that DOLPH ZIGGLER & BIG E LANGSTON will win. There is always an inherent cockiness to men in masks, look at batman. Such sure footedness will land Hell No into trouble with underestimating these well named young turks. Masks can always be removed and beards cut off but it is the chiselled jaw that stays. I can hear it now, a whole arena chanting Ziggler, and to a lesser extend Langston. I’m sure Dolph has a team of hair specialists to sort out Hell No. Is that Kane in the mask? I am not going to google it, but yes he requires immediate attention and some styling tips after defeat.

RYBACK VS. MARK HENRY
John:
From a sheer visual stance, I’m looking forward to these two massive chaps smacking each other for 10 minutes. My inner Dean Malenko will be crying. This is yet another ‘sober says one, drunk says the other’. My drunk self will be fully behind Mark Henry, because thats what he does. Sober says Ryback, purely because of the future.
Ash: Ryback looks like a cage fighter from Preston who’s just taken an eleventeenth of performance enhancing space drugs. Mark Henry looks like a teddy bear. And he will be slaughtered so. Ryback to win.
Rich: Come on Mark Henry..you’re an athlete, this is serious, get your head in the game..you’re going to get hurt..Ryback looks like he has been training his whole life for this, Henrys game plan must be to get so round that Ryback wont be able to get hold of him. RYBACK WINS.
Alex: Two heavyweights I’m thinking. But only one seems to be carrying that weight as muscle. Ryback will win.
Barry: Ryback. This one is a point of contention in the Williams / Jones household. I say Ryback, so that’s what’s getting put here.
Geordie Ben: I have to dignify this obvious outcome with an answer but it so obviously MARK HENRY. Why have steroids when you can have chicken nuggets?

SHEAMUS, RANDY ORTON AND THE BIG SHOW VS. THE SHIELD
John:
Whats that, 3 main event guys versus The Shield? If The Shield beat a 3 man team of Sheamus, Cena and Ryback, they’ll beat Show, Sheamus and Orton, if only because one of those 3 is going to turn on the others. The Shield to win.
Ash: The Shield? Who cooked that name up? What’s their story, are they all ex-police officers or something? Disgraced, fired for a crime they didn’t commit? And now they wander the streets fighting vigilante-style like the A Team trying to clear their names? Because even if that was their story, ‘Street-Fighting Vigilante Bastards’ would still be a better name than ‘The Shield’. Sheamus will blind them with his skin the moment they take their cop glasses off and the other two will finish them.
Rich: Oh poor sheamus hasn’t been the same since the incident at the bleach fatory, that said his team is too strong for these knob heads. SHEAMUS N CO. WINS
Alex: The Shield look like evil street magicians. The Shield will win… by sleight of hand.
Barry: The Shield, by pinning Orton. To me, it’s more a
case of sorting things out for Orton in the future rather than keeping The Shield strong, although a defeat will ruin them. Orton needs to turn heel (Jones: ‘he’s a bit shit as a face, really), and him going mental after being pinned would be a starting point.
Geordie Ben: Please
wrestle mania promoters  let the man in
the back be a hulk of a character and not a terrible use of photo montage. With such super human powers as ginger ghost, photoshop giant and Spartacus extra, The Shield are pretty much on the back foot. Also they can only give defence options to what is primarily a contest on face punching and pushing people over. Can you clothes-line someone defensively? Unlikely. The Shield might as well go
on hunger strike or protein shake strike or whatever ineffective liberal thing is fashionable at the moment to protest. SHEAMUS RANDY
ORTON AND BIG SHOW
will win this fight as The Shield hack their respective twitter accounts.

TONS OF FUNK VS. RHODES SCHOLARS
John:
Oh, poor Rhodes Scholars. I love you so, but you’re place on the Wrestlemania card is to provide a platform for 2 fat guys to dance. I want to say Rhodes Sholars and the Bellas, but I have to say Tons of Funk and the Funkadactyls.
Ash:
The only two wrestlers I care about in this fight are Kerry King and Pavarotti. I think everyone else should just stand aside and let them go mental. Pavarotti to win. (That’ll be Rhodes Scholars then).
Rich: Lets just make the twins wrestle we would all much prefer that! TWINS WIN.
Alex: No idea what’s going on here. There’s a dude with some writing on his face and girls with shamrocks and possibly General Zod trying to sneak in back there. Do the girls fight the girls and the guys fight the guys? At the same time? Whoever wins it will be a travesty for wrestling. Or perhaps a triumph. The funky bunch will win.
Barry: Just for the name, I’m going with Tons of Funk
& The Funkadactyls. Tons of Funk! People criticise the WWE writers, but this shows me that they are actually the foremost thinkers of our time.
Geordie Ben: Really must be said that the winner here is ME. It was a pleasure reading this match headline, it was a pleasure looking at the poster. What is going on with the tattoos, are they checklists on the face for the other team member to read? Also the Scholars are a fusion of brawn and brain, what is not to like? As a bit part commentator and no time viewer, this match on its own may make me actually tune in to wrestle mania. Since I must make some sort of Nostradamus prediction I want TONS OF FUNK to win all over the ring. They encapsulate the comedy and the strength it takes to roll about on the floor while being filmed.

There we go. It should be a decent show, it generally is. I’ll be watching it, and by god I’ll be drunk, it is inevitable. Eric is over this way for it, and he’s a pretty inspiring drinker. Here we go. I fucking love Wrestlemania.

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Posted in: Wrestling