The Jellyfish Apocalypse Is Upon Us

Posted on February 6, 2014


Just when you thought it was safe in Australia, a humongous jellyfish washes up on a Tasmanian shore. We’re talking five feet big. The picture of the thing looks like some sort of mis-cooked omelette, and it’s difficult to make out exactly where anything of it is. It might even be a new form of jellyfish, from the same genus as the largest ever discovered. More and more of these buggers are turning up in the waters around Tasmania, and god knows why. We should all be terrified though, because jellyfish are most definitely terrifying. Why? Read on, young champ.

Jellyfish have been around quite literally forever. Okay, not literally forever, but a bloody long time. The oldest jelly fossil is over 500 million years old. That, my friend, is elderly. Less than 1% of their body mass is made up of muscle and they use the water around them to propel themselves forward, making them crazy energy-efficient. They also love having babies, and are one of natures most frequent reproducers. THEIR MOUTHS CAN FUNCTION AS THEIR ANUSES. These things are legitimately insane. They have no backbone, no heart, no brain, no blood, but they can still murder you. They can work together to bring down ships and other things as well, meaning that they are surely just a few years away from taking over the entire world. Maybe.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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