WrestleMania XXX: 3rd Annual Expert Predictions

Posted on April 6, 2014

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It is WrestleMania time folks. We all know what this means by now, an excitable evening of pomp, pizzazz and power slams. A lot of alcohol, a little bit of gambling and falling asleep before it’s all over. There is a difference this year though. For the first time I’ll be watching from outside the comfortable confines of Britain, and for the first time in four years I actually give the slightest shit about the main event. That is, of course, providing Daniel Bryan makes it there.

We’ve got predictions to go through first. I believe this is the third year of doing this for WrestleMania. The premise is a simple one. Preview the matches and predict the winner. However, as always, we have a little twist. We have many people predicting, but I’m the only one who keeps in real touch with the product. A number of our future-seers never watch at all. Let’s meet them all.

John Bills – Me.
Ashley Morton – A veteran of the predictions by now. Man who makes Harald Math sound better than they have any right to be.
Alex Williams – Returning after last year for another round, Alex used to front my favourite band I’ve ever played with, and we played with So Solid Kids.
Gary Brennan – Making his first appearance, Gary (or Barry Grennan) taught me everything I know about the glassy code. A diamond cannot be made without friction.
Rich Orr – He of fantastic chin and Hank Scorpio looks. Wonderful man.
Geordie Ben – My flat-mate from the first year of university and an ever-present for the predictions. Glorious man.
Dave Morgan – Making his first appearance this year, Dave was the first of the three fantastic Canadians I met last year. Go Leafs.

Let’s get into it.

The Usos vs. The Real Americans vs. Los Matadores vs. Rybaxel

John: The biggest pre-show of the year! I’d love to see Cesaro win this match on his own, but the most likely outcome is The Usos retain.

Ash: Straight off the bat, Los Matadores are the stupidest thing I think I’ve ever seen in wrestling, and I don’t know whether to despise or love them for it. However, Ryback still looks like a scrap-happy bouncer you’d expect to see manning the door of an illegal dog-fighting club in Scunthorpe. I would *not* fuck with him. Ryback & Curtis to win.

Alex: This appears to be described as a ‘fatal’ four-way tag team match, and as I’m not particularly au fait with wrestling parlance I can only assume they mean that literally. 8 men enter, 2 men leave, 6 men die – which seems like a waste of human life to me, but what do I know about the economies of the wrestling ring? I ask myself – which of these men looks like they most want to live? The Real Americans? What does ‘America’ even mean anymore? Why fight for a country that principally wants to harvest your data because they heard from Google that that’s the cool way to conquer the world? Ryback and Curtis Axel? No team name, no unity, no hope. Los Matadores? I can only assume that every day is kind of a hassle when you’re in a team called Los Matadores and you dress like matadors. I give the win to the Usos, because ‘uso’ means lie in Japanese and lie is one letter away from ‘live.’

Gary: Los Matadores

Rich: Two Matadors and a Bull? Best thing I’ve ever seen. Them

Geordie Ben: Never have strong visual wrestlers going against bland ‘other guys’. Everyone needs a style; the days of simple spandex pants are long gone in tag teams. Look at the Matadores brothers; they brought in a tiny bull person. They can only, one hopes, use this tiny human prop in their entrance and hypothetical victory celebration. The Usos look like good twins, the casual leaning upon one another and cheeky hand gestures. They are quite proud of their large pennies and I’m sure their mother is too. It is always nice when brothers get along. But again the duo dynamic cannot rely on just familial bonds. The Real Americans have a glorious connection in that they are American, not the greatest connection to go into a Fatal Four way over but better than nothing. The ‘other guys’ at the back stand no chance.  For the win I will back the full committed Los Matadores if only in the vain hope that the tiny mascot is integral to the celebration.

Dave: Cincinnati, apparently, was hot ground with a lot of turf and easy money to be had. The police had no choice but to go on strike after collective bargaining went to shit. Subsequently, city hall quick drafted and pushed through an Essential Services bill that saw the CPD take a big hit via a legal loophole that the city was slow enough to close that it saved them a couple million and left the relationship between the two parties in tatters. Nobody wanted to be a cop in Cinncy, but there was plenty of policing. Vigilante groups and “protection agencies” sprung up around the city. It was a beautiful scene and a mobster’s oyster. Every kind of group was represented, there was the far right Real Americans, who served the white majority, Los Matadores who looked after the Latinos, The Usos, who plied their trade with the Native American contingent and stayed mostly on the reserve, and Ryback & Curtis Axel members of a progressive “new age” biker gang who had connections everywhere from city hall to Western New York. The groups would clash regularly, the ones between the Real Americans and

Los Matadores being the bloodiest. Clashes of ideology were one thing, but once it became about drugs, the violence escalated to warlike levels. The Real Americans always had a hold of the upper class white guy’s petty addiction to over-the-counters and occasional weekend hit of powder, it made for half their revenue. Los Matadores usually stayed on street level, serving wiped out crack heads and destitute vagrants. The Usos used their reserve to grow huge crops of marijuana away from federal eyes giving them control over the supply and price of green. Things went south when Los Matadores moved into pills. The Real Americans lashed out with vicious recourse. The loss of manpower on both sides was staggering and The Usos took advantage of the downturn in production to hike up the price of green and started moving product to those thirsty for something. Both sides saw their customers moving over and embarked on a full-scale assault on the reserve. Half of Cinncy was either stoned or stabbed and Ryback & Axel were left to play mediator. Everyone was suspicious and what made it worse was there was wind of an overseas deal and nobody liked it. Tensions were high and he chaos had to stop; a meeting was set with all the prominent players. The setting: Andre Airport. Prediction: The fan will win this one – the shit will hit it.

Vickie Guerrero Invitational

John: This is going to be an almighty cluster fudge. I’m going with AJ Lee, because her reign doesn’t deserve to end like this.

Ash: I’m so glad to see the WWE taking steps to diversify and combat sexism (pun intended). I think calling them ‘Divas’ instead of wrestlers is wholly empowering, much like the way they are encouraged to pull each other’s hair, slap each other and generally ‘fight like girls’. I remember watching one degrading Divas match that was literally a pillow fight. But those days are long-gone. A.J Lee will win, because I don’t know the names of any of the others.

Alex: I have no idea who any of them are or how this 14-woman rumble is meant to go down, so reason is failing me. Lets say AJ Lee because she is “the longest reigning Diva champion of all time” so she must be pretty good?

Gary: Summer Rae.

Rich: Wooo yeahh that’s what I’m talking about yeahhhh…as per usual the winner is the spectator, the sport, all you guys out there, thank you all and have fun ladies, *zzzzip

Geordie Ben: First off this is a smorgasbord of women’s faces. Have the WWE crammed all those women into a single frame for ease of looking? This makes it difficult to pick out a winner; even their names have not been listed as there are 13 challenge divas. Now normally my Diva intake is more of the Ru Paul variety, and such conflict is measured in dance offs and snippy remarks. Another difference is that these wrestlers are actual women.

How will 14 women fight, is this all at once or will some sort of queue system be involved? Probably not, as Americans cannot queue.  With such a wide selection also do not expect all the women to enter the arena horizontally; money is on vertical decent from the rafters and surprise entrances from trapdoors, zip lines etc.

As to declare a winner of the diamanté belt, the girl dressed as a bear at the back (Alicia Fox). The hood with ears, while totally superfluous is also far more consideration for outfit than the others. From what I can see of the front row their outfits are way too delicate, even for spandex, to work in the ring. Unless, of course, the sparkles are there to blind the various opponents

Dave: There are so many colours! Vickie Guerrero, surprising to herself and everyone around her, was actually in love. She was drenched in capital from a young age, the daughter of a lavish Mexican drug cartel come pharmaceutical company boss, and fully bathed in the empty excess of it. Love wasn’t even a concept; it was a nuisance, a trap. She found love in Bay Area rocks wedged into glass tubes and anyway, it kept her skinny. She was a semi-successful lingerie model after all – granted most of her professional life was spent doling out blowjobs to low-level execs. But goddamnit, she was in love! The church was already booked. Who am I going to invite? The colour of the paper! Do I look fat? He’s so handsome! How can he love me? Oh I love him! What if he doesn’t love me? What if I get fat? Does my neck look fat to you? What am I going to wear? What if he doesn’t really love me? She vacantly fiddled the glass tube between her thumb and middle finger and decided to take the red-eye that night to Cincinnati. Prediction: Red, the paper will be red.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

John: So much cluster fudge. I’m going with Repo Man, because Repo Man was awesome.

Ash: I know he was called Andre the Giant, but I didn’t realise just how big he was until I saw the promotional shot for this match. When you see him next to the other wrestlers, he was veritably Godzilla-esque. ‘Spect. He’s up there now, rocking with the other giants of history; King Kong, Marius the Giraffe, the T-Rex from Jurassic Park 3, that whale that exploded all over a Taiwanese street. And what better way to pay tribute than with this fantastic and ridiculous parade of bonkers wrestling weirdos and also-rans? It’s a ‘Sheam’ that Sheamus has been relegated to a 30-man brawl, I was always a fan of him. Good to see my man Kofi Kingston is still going as well. What nationality is he now? I’ll admit, I don’t know all of these guys. Among the faces I don’t recognise are what I can only describe as Joe Hart on ‘roids (pretty sure that’s Christian actually), a baddie from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, David Beckham, a gay Bobba Fett and 3 guys in grey morph suits. Whatever, I’m going with Santino Marella for the win.

Alex: OH NOW COME ON! How am I meant to predict this? This is just going to be wrestlers hitting wrestlers with other wrestlers until the ring is full of bits of wrestlers and one man standing… and much as I love the fact that there is a wrestler called Fandango, and would love to predict a win for him, I think I will opt for a win for one of the unannounced MYSTERY WRESTLERS. Let’s say mystery wrestler 2. Do it mystery wrestler 2!

Gary: Rey Mysterio, my all time fav. He deserves to win because he always puts the most work in, flying around like a maniac.

Rich: I’m not sure what happens here so I’m going to go with Giant Haystacks.

Geordie Ben: Praise be the photo shopping skills to enhance the nature of the giant, in the titular Andre. For the sake of this promo I will assume a larger than large life effigy of the great wrestler will be present at this royal rumble. The participants peeping about the colossus as drums beat and open flames flicker along with a floor of discarded plastic cups and Nickleback tour t-shirts. A wrestler for every year of the anniversary is important but I’m unsure how. Can quantity beat quality? This is the same problem as the lady-off, but more so. This is simple maths. 30 men will suffer from who to fight first and how the folding chairs are distributed. Will there be enough for everyone?  The line-up looks like a video game beat em up character selection screen. Some characters are yet to be unlocked. And I’m sure to pick one of the renegade Power Rangers. But just because I am drawn to such broadly defined black/gold face does not mean I favour them to win. It will be a spectacle bordering on a sexually charged riot for sure. The winner is undoubtedly the ghost of Andre, for anyone to be able to command 30 men to fight each other for his entertainment from the beyond the grave is on the level of a great Viking or Hunnic warlord.

Dave: Everyone, more or less, converging on one spot in a battle royale.

Daniel Bryan vs. HHH

John: He won’t be screwed again, surely? Surely? Daniel Bryan, clean as a whistle.

Ash: It’s WrestleMania XXX. HHH also has 3 repeated letters in his name… HHH… He was also part of Degeneration X, and it’s WrestleMania XXX. Need I say more? Daniel Bryan has gotten awful tubby, and he is looking quite concerned about the length of his beard. But is he worried that it’s too short or too long? I’ll tell you what won’t be too long – this match, because the winner will have to perfor- compete in the next match as well. And the win will belong to all the ‘H’s.

Alex: I still don’t really get Daniel Bryan either. His beard looks like a liability in the ring, and he doesn’t seem to be able to look angry without also looking sad and pained at the same time. He constantly looks like a man who took up wrestling because he just can’t express himself any other way, only to discover that he can’t express himself through wrestling either. However, I’m going to go for a Bryan win here, and here’s my reasoning: I think Triple H would probably have the edge on Bryan, but if Triple H went through then the main event would be three muscle-bound, shaven-headed, Caucasian lunks and no one would be able to tell the difference. Ratings suicide. So Bryan for the win.

Gary: Daniel Bryan.

Rich: ‘Aich’. more like. Ache…cos he’s, he’s so old… Triple H more like triple Z.Snore off mate Zzz! Bryan

Geordie Ben: This match is a precursor to the heavy weight title, and as such I was led to believe that they would need suitable contestants. The only thing heavy about these men seems to be their brows.  Another striking thing is the pure shininess of Triple H. Is this man self-oiling? And thus has an unfair advantage unless in the adult entertainment industry, see also the piercingly sharp nipples. Does this coincide with the XXX factor of the WrestleMania itself? Either way Bryans beard is going to get damp. HHH has some serious scowling that comes from years of practice and devoted work to the profession of wresting. Bryan in contrast has the air of a weekend dad, tired eyes of reflected disappointment. In his back pocket of his tiny wrestling shorts a membership card to Fathers for Justice. For this reason Bryan should be winning, if only so that his son can see it is possible to defeat self-oiling men (valuable life lesson indeed).

Dave: Daniel Bryan had made a habit of riding the narrow, winding trail from Irondequoit through Durand-Eastman County Park to the expansive bluffs of Lake Ontario every Sunday. A popular spot for Rochesterians, it wasn’t a lonely stretch by any means. He had a lot on his mind though, and the company of dog-walkers, seagulls, and picnicking lovers was lost in the haze of his busy mind. The Hunter Hursts Holdings Co., for which Daniel had worked for the better part of his life as a driver, was, according to his boss, tanking hard. He’d have to take a pay cut or risk losing his job. It ran through his head as he rode through the air; how could a company with a basic monopoly be doing so badly? (Hunter Hursts were the only funeral service company North of Elmwood Ave.); they had already retracted their promise to give health insurance bonuses to employees with 10 or more years of service. Daniel grit his teeth and put everything he didn’t like about it into his thighs and punished them on the last big incline before the park. His mouth tasted of alkaline, but he could see the blue wash of the lake. It was downhill from there. Prediction: Corporate America wins every time.

 

The Shield vs. Kane and The New Age Outlaws

John: Three guys who are the future of the company against one guy who is still fairly relevant and two guys who aren’t even the recent history of the company? The Shield.

Ash: Kane, in plain flesh, looks like a meatier version of the bloke who plays ‘Dexter’. And his ‘New Age Outlaws’ look like two aging rockers – let’s say Status Quo – who have just come off stage. To boot, their tag team moniker sounds like the name of a pub band that plays AC/DC covers to pissed EDL sympathisers on a Saturday night. The Shield, on the other hand, look like two members of Ill Nino fronted by a rejuvenated Shawn Michaels. Nu-Metal trumps racism and playing guitar dressed like a schoolboy. The Shield.

Alex: I still don’t really get the idea of the Shield. Are they meant to be ex-cops? And it’s okay for them to clone Reno Raines, Renegade, and have two versions of him in their team? For one of them they barely even changed his name! To be frank, I don’t like them, but looking who they’re up against I’d be a fool to bet against them. Shield to win.

Gary: The Shield, they have gimmicky outfits and far better facial hair.

Rich: Kane bares more resemblance to Brad Friedel than the evil, hellish masked murderer character of old, that said, I love Brad, both are 104 yrs old, which is purely a coincidence. Kane and chums.

Geordie Ben: The most apparent problem for the Outlaws is that they are a gaggle of Thanks Obama GIFs in freeze frame. Consider if this was in an American suburbia and not a stadium event. The Shield would be the scowling neighborhood watch; the NAO the retiring middle aged republican candidates for local office. On paper these guys should be best of friends. But the fight is for the most patriotic wrestler, denoted by such a wonderful belt. Purely ornate, as it seems everyone in the picture has at least one belt already. The classic misunderstanding of one-upmanship is to forget their commonality, that they are brothers in wrestling.  The Shield have beards and vests that promote good all over body coverage and thus have a stronger group look. The bleach blonde hair and green hot pants of NAO might be fine at some lefty hemp shop but not in the ring. I would have had more respect for NAO if they had all came in nice tailored suits from their jobs in the city only to bring the pain of crippling debt and mortgage foreclosures.  Shield keeps the belt as their backs are still in good nick.

Dave: It was supposed to be easy – get a few guys in on paperwork and get paid for it. This was the easy stuff for guys like Kane. The airport was New Age territory and half the workforce was already scared shitless paying the Outlaws insurance fees. It was the kind of white-collar crime garbage that Kane was into – he might have to get his cronies to hack a finger, but nobody had to die for it if it was slick enough. He’d clipped a lot of guys to get where he was but he never once had a time where he didn’t feel sick and empty for it. No, it had to be slick this time, there were whispers around Cinncy the federalies were sniffing around with their elite boys: The Shield. They were sniffing hard and they had something big in mind. “Fuckin’ Cinncy,” Kane thought, “who gives a shit about fuckin’ Cincinnati.” Truth was, Kane had fallen in love with a girl out in Oakland – he just needed one more score and he was out of there, the church was already booked. The Shield were sniffing hard though, thirsty for a grab of their own. And they knew where to smell. Prediction: Everything’s bathed in sunshine when you’re in love.

 

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

John: Bray Wyatt is the single most wonderful thing in professional wrestling in the last god knows how long. I don’t care if he is against SuperCena, I can’t go against him. He owns my heart after all.

Ash: Subtlety and stealth are not something John Cena has ever perfected, which is why I question his famous motto, ‘you can’t see me’. He’s absolutely massive and performs quite openly to audiences of millions on television. At WrestleMania XXX he will be performing in plain view of about 100,000 people. We can see you, John, and we can see your lies. Bray Wyatt shops from the same shirt store as Dennis Nedry. Bray Wyatt will win.

Alex: Deranged backwoods evangelical vs. man-sized toddler! I am reading that Bray Wyatt is something of a cult leader, but Cena apparently leads something called the ‘Cenation,’ which sounds pretty cultish to me. So, a clash of ideology perhaps? Or a scrap for the souls of America? And what is the greatest weapon in the modern world in the fight for hearts and minds? HOLISTIC BRANDING. John Cena remains a walking billboard so I will reluctantly say that he will be the false prophet of America’s new dawn.

Gary: Beard and Hawaiian shirt combos mean instant victory, plus John Cena is the devil and deserves to die.

Rich: Bryan What? This guy looks like an absolute tool; you can’t just grow a beard and automatically be cool, a pure athlete vs. a Hawaiian shirt and a straw hat. He’s going to rip your face off douche bag, Cena (gruesomely)

Geordie Ben: Cena versus Wyatt is also known as hat battle. This is going to be a tough one to choose, because although I am a great admirer of beards, the short sleeve shirt is a heinous crime, Hawaiian print even more so. How can I back a man based on such fashion choices. Wyatt looks like all the ill-humored bouncers unwilling to let me into the mediocre clubs of my youth. Cena looking like a hipster on steroids has at least the good grace of colour matching from tee to unnecessarily doubled wrist band to hat. The slogan that says ‘give up’ might be disqualified by the judges as poor subliminal messaging. Although it actually proclaims ‘NEVER give up’ a t-shirt should never be used to put people down, even in professional wrestling. In the match of the concealed bald spot Wyatt will take the glory, as his fashion crimes will extend into regular crime and underhanded tactics to win.

Dave: By all accounts, John J. Cena had a banister year – he managed to wrestle his way, without popularity, into a controlling stake of his families’ aluminium manufacturing plant on Lake Athabasca, while his transatlantic air cargo company managed to secure a sweetheart contract with the Luton airport which would see long-term handsome returns from a booming exotic produce market in London. He was going to hand the first ever shipment of North American avocadoes personally to the Duke of Edinburgh and the newspapers were going to be there to see it. A big and loud entry. What they didn’t know was that he had a man on the inside, who, with the help of a local biker gang, guaranteed Cena Aero Shipping Co. tariff free payloads from Cozumel, Mexico to Luton via Cincinnati. The paper work was there and ready to be inked. Prediction: John Cena will have very good guacamole for brunch

 

Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar

John: 22-0.

Ash: The Undertaker looks like he’s driving an imaginary car in this promo shot, and he doesn’t look like he knows A. where he’s driving it and B. that he’s not actually driving a car. I worry about him – surely it’s time for someone to ‘cart him off to the rubber room’ as Craig Charles would put it. I don’t know if he can even be trusted to dress himself any more. He looks here like part medieval S&M practitioner, part Persian concubine, part Lordi member. I think The Undertaker will win, but only because Brock Lesnar will feel bad about beating up a 70-year-old. If Lesnar has no such scruples then he will win easily, so I’m staking quite a lot here on his moral fortitude.

Alex: I remain fascinated by Brock Lesnar, who appears to be a five year old’s crayon drawing of a wrestler made flesh. I fail to see how a man who must be able to clench his entire body into a fist could lose, but then I realised that maybe the twist here is that the Undertaker is the dark wizard who first formed Lesnar out of four hundred pounds of bubble-gum, and when they face off the Undertaker will just snap his fingers and Lesnar will collapse back into his gooey component parts. Also, I can’t imagine that the Undertaker would have signed on to appear if there was a chance of him losing. Win to the ‘taker!

Gary: Taker because Taker.

Rich: What happened to the Undertaker? He looks like a cross between Robin Hood and a power ranger. How old is he now? Is this allowed? He does have all his marbles still right? I feel bad for haggard old punch drunk. Lesnar.

Geordie Ben: Again this pangs of video game costume choices. This cosplay as an assassin is wholly uncalled for by the Undertaker. The drab reality of an undertaker requires no spiked gloves, more medical smock and sad face. LARP during the weekend Undertaker not when challenging the neck rolls that is Brock Lesnar. It is a bold move to have the folds of a pug and pride in topless action. The body confidence of Lesnar is a sure fire sign of a winner. He does not even have to brandish his own meaty meat fists, choosing to fight with just his shiny elbows.

Dave: Brock learned of his father’s death soon after he landed in Cincinnati. They sent a telegram to his hotel room. He was unpacking his ties when they rang up, cutting his attention away from the chain-link pattern of one given to him, coincidentally, by his dad. He thought it was going to be a message from Bray Wyatt, his long-time friend and aluminium industry magnate, who had sent Brock an urgent message saying that “something was awry in Cinncy”. It wasn’t a message from Bray Wyatt. His dad was dead and he had to see the undertaker in Rochester as soon as possible. The coincidence of the chain-link tie was lost as soon as they rang and it was meaningless and novel anyways. He was empty but wanted to vomit. Prediction: The undertaker fleeces Brock in funeral fees.

 

Batista vs. Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan/Triple H

John: If WrestleMania doesn’t end with 70,000 people chanting ‘YES!’ the last six months of WWE television will be a washout. I don’t care if Batista looks like my Dad or not. Daniel Bryan to win.

Ash: Randy Orton, from my extensive knowledge of recent wrestling developments, currently has two belts, which is more belts than Batista and HHH. As an aside, I’ll never know why wrestling adopted belts as its ‘trophies’. Why belts? If you’re going to arbitrarily choose sartorial accessory to redefine and turn into a striven-for reward for victory, why not bow ties or watches? Maybe a nice cravat? It’s not like they need a belt to keep those tighter-than-skin-tight pants up. Anyway, there is a photo of John Bills Sr. in his heyday that lovingly adorns the fridge door at Rockville, Welshpool, and I have long thought that he was a dead ringer for Batista. Out of respect for the big man, and a thank you for always filling my car tank up whenever I go over there, I will plump for Batista.

Alex: Batista, I believe, just spent a fair while painted green every day for the Guardians of the Galaxy movie. That kind of experience makes a man, although what it makes him is anyone’s guess. One of Randy Orton’s nicknames appears to be the Apex Predator, and what that makes him is anyone’s guess. Realistically, I’d say Batista, but let’s dream a little here people, and predict a win for the bearded tyke Daniel Bryan.

Gary: Batista because he’s in movies now and looks like your Dad, a lovely gentleman I wish to arm-wrestle one day. Actually, Daniel Bryan, because of his mighty beard.

Rich: Three is definitely the magic number! Well I gotta go with the plus one on this one, threes a crowd, three strikes and your out. third times a charm, three nails plus one cross equals forgiveness.

Geordie Ben: And so it comes to this, the plucky Bryan must now beat off two men to win his son respect. Belts are simple symbols of trouser maintenance. Only in wrestling do belts become so unwieldy that the owner of the trophies begs to be rid of such cumbersome things.  I think now in popular culture sleeve tattoos have become so common I forget about them, maybe it’s an addition to winning that the victor is branded with stars and squiggles. What matters that the wrestlers must fit the title and perhaps the better choice is some sort of eating contest to BECOME the heavy weight champion. This would be thrilling as a test of stamina and endurance the audience would not see coming. A selection of pies and hotdogs consumed in a frenzy of action unseen since Hulk Hogan’s Hickory smoke Hog roast. The winner will be Bryan because I am promoting his cause of his hypothetical family life. It would not be fitting to get to the final only to have it snatched away without learning the true meaning of the American dream; to reach the top and then celebrate hedonistically.

Dave: It really was a chance meeting when Randy Orton bumped into Batista on the midnight train from Albany to Syracuse. Orton, a fledgling but razor sharp man Harvard man who majored in Corporate Law, was eager and impatient. Long accused of piggybacking on his father’s wealth, he was something before desperate to make his own mark and cast off his adolescent shackles. Batista had some desperation of his own: he had rode the rails all the way from Texas to the East Coast. It was surprising, even to himself, that he made it that far North; after jumping the Mexican border he had intended on getting a job with his uncle in Oklahoma maintaining greenhouses. Something was awake in him though as soon and he hopped his first freighter; he was in love with the movement. Burning with some youthful urgency, and maybe that drew them to each other on that train through Western New York, partners with little else in common. Batista looked at Orton with typically Latino eyes, beady and visceral. He knew that Batista had jumped the border and was looking for work before he even told him. They all were. He knew it and Randy had a plan. All Batista had to do was find his way to Rochester, where Randy had a friend in the funeral business, he couldn’t guarantee long-term employment but the wages would be good enough. All he had to do was drive and sometimes dig. He could even bring his uncle. Prediction: Batista‘s English is unexpectedly good.
Brock Lesnar will later see his father’s death as a blessing, leaving Cinncy for Rochester and picking up the story with Batista, Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton and Hunter Hursts Holdings (Triple H) where he becomes a champion of immigrants and worker’s rights and makes a speech to congress wearing the same chain-link pattern tie his father gave him. Batista, after being used for cheap temporary labour, teams up with Daniel Bryan and with the legal advice of Randy Orton and leads a coup of the company only to sell it and move to Canada. Randy Orton, despite helping Batista and Bryan, is jailed for leading a cross border illegal work and immigration ring and dies while incarcerated. Batista is forever indebted and pays respects at his grave regularly. 
The meeting at the airport is wrought with Taratinonian and downright dystopian violence: the feds arrive just as the meeting gets hot amid a Mexican stand-off, the scene is marked by several late walk ins, first by Guerrero who sets the gunshots into motion by startling the group, then by Cena who is just there to sign some papers. The cancellation fees for the wedding hall go unpaid; everybody involved dies.

I think we’ll leave it at that.

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