WrestleMania XXXI: 4th Annual Expert Predictions

Posted on March 29, 2015

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mania

So, here we are once more. It’s Wrestlemania time, and we all know how I feel about Wrestlemania. The expert predictions are back as well, this time with some new additions! Let’s look at the panel…

John: Me.
Barry: The other wrestling fan involved here. I’ve known him longer than any other friend.
Rich: Excellent chin, Hank Scorpio lookalike.
Alex: Fronted my favourite band that Moses ever played with. Wonderful man.
Gary: Bary Grennan. Glassy King.
Bria: Has one of the finest names I’ve ever heard. A predictions debutante.
Ashley: Predictions veteran at this point. Knows his shit, but his shit isn’t wrestling.

Tyson Kidd & Cesaro vs. The Usos vs. Los Matadores vs. The New Day

John: I’m usually irritated by the state of tag team wrestling in WWE, so this will probably anger me. Kidd & Cesaro must win, because why give them such a short reign? Oh god, its so The Usos can win the belts back and all the wrestling Samoans can have a big hug.

Barry: Los Matadores haven’t had the belts before, have they? Surely it must be their turn to have to fit them into their baggage allowance. The Usos should win though, people actually care about them.

Rich: They don’t really fight to the death here do they? I thing BIG E will win this one for his team (The New Day) judging by his new AK47 finisher move.

Alex: Hey, I don’t mean to come across too bullish, but this year I’m better prepared for my Wrestlemania predictions than ever. I’ve studied form and statistics, memorised power indexes, torque and dpi, and I am ready to read the truth of the future like some Nostradamus of the circled square. This first one is a solid gold cinch. The New Day is an anagram of ‘Het Dwayne’, which is Dutch for ‘The Dwayne’. As everyone knows, Dwayne ‘Rocky’ Johnson invented the sport of wrestling, and to incorporate his name within yours gives you limited invulnerability when standing on wrestling canvas. The New Day will surely make the most of this advantage, taking the tag team title handily.

Bria: The Usos  – anyone who can pull off a grin that wide with so much bearing of teeth is a champ to me.

Ashley: In the battle of the fatal four way, all will die, except the pair of pink masked fellas who look like baddies from the gay porn version of Aladdin (it’s called ‘In-a-lad’, if you’re wondering. Not that I’ve seen it).

 

 

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

John: I don’t understand why this has been bumped to the pre-show. I’m going with Curtis Axel. Long live Axelmania.

Barry: Big Show, surely? He’s massive, and the biggest guys should always win these matches. You’d think that would be how it works, anyway. Mizdow and Miz final two, Mizdow to win it

Rich: Not sure what happens here? I reckon Giant Haystacks will rise again!

Alex: This line up reads like an expanded anniversary edition of a 90s PS2 beat ‘em up game. Seriously, there’s a guy called Miz and a guy called Mizdow, who I’m assuming is the same sprite with a different palette, and two guys with unnecessary K’s who probably yell “Finish him” to each other when one of them wins a fight. The victor of this farce could be anyone’s guess. COULD be, but WON’T because I’m here to reveal to you exclusively that the bout will be won by a man whose name I’m still tickled by: Fandango. Because – Fandango, c’mon. Winner: Fandango. Say it with me, Fan-DAN-go!

Gary: REY MYSTERIO to win the royal rumble! That tiny Mexican ninja always puts in the most work and so deserves the win.

Bria: Yeah I’m going to roll out this prediction purely based on aesthetics. Fandango – those flares.

Ashley: In the battle of Andre the Giant’s memorial battle royale with cheese battle, the winner is surely Andre the Giant himself. None you other bitches got a battle royale event named after you

 

Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins

John: This is the annual WrestleMania match that I don’t really care about. Sober pound goes on Orton, drunk pound goes on Rollins. Rollins it is.

Barry: Rollins needs to win, he needs a big win over a name. So I’m going to say Orton, but with a suspicion that Rollins will end the night with the belt. Because nothing screams out Champion like losing to someone who hasn’t held a title in years

Rich: Randy Orton wins this one. We all know the history between these two, lets not get into all that business about his wife, the drugs are still in his system and he will literally rip his head off.

Alex: There is no denying that it has been a period of time since these two wrestlers met, that is assuming that they do have some kind of history of meeting and fighting prior to this encounter, which is certainly not something you can take for granted. In the case that they have met before it might be expected that the results of those previous meetings could have some bearing on their encounter at Wrestlemania, although of course there is the possibility that they might not. If this is their first meeting then a whole different set of psychological effects will undoubtedly be in play, unless it is the case that either of the wrestlers is a mindless automaton, in which case it wouldn’t be strictly correct to attribute any of their actions to psychological entities. One thing’s for sure, when these guys (?) meet at Wrestlemania, history will be made, in that the event will immediately exist in the past only accessible by memory or historical records. Winner: Seth Rollins, for the reasons given above.

Gary: Seth Rollins to beat Randy Orton, purely because I am sick of these rko outa nowhere videos. Also because he has the most rock and roll name I have ever heard and he likes to do a ‘curb stomp’

Bria: Rollins seems like a bad man. Curb stomps are never cool. Plus anyone with ‘randy’ in their name gets my vote. Randy Orton.

Ashley: In the battle of Randy Orton and Seth Rollins, Orton will come out on top. On top of his own funeral pyre that is! Rollins will be the winner. The winner of the ‘loser’ award! Orton will have faked his own death and funeral pyre to take Rollins by surprise to emerge victorious. Victorious in botching his attempted subterfuge! Seriously, Rollins will prevail. Prevail in… no, Rollins to win.

 

Daniel Bryan vs. Luke Harper vs. Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Stardust vs. R-Truth vs. Dolph Ziggler – Ladder Match

John: No brainer, match of the show. Luke Harper is wonderful, Stardust is excellent, Daniel Bryan is still the best in the world (who isn’t called Shinsuke Nakamura).

Barry: it’s going to be Daniel Bryan, obviously. Stupid question

Rich: I think the winner here is the ladder, Think about it, he’s done really well for himself just to get there. A true inspiration to ladders everywhere

Alex: I’d like to pick Daniel Bryan for this one, but he seems to be undergoing some kind of Cthulian transformation into Alan Moore at the moment, which leads me to think that he might not be focussed enough on the ring. Let’s do some mathematics then: three guys with beards, three guys without beards, and Stardust is wearing face paint, which, in a way, is neither beard nor non-beard. Beards cancel out non-beards and Stardust is the last man standing. Seven men in search of a ladder. How I wish the ladder would win.

Gary:  I was going to say stardust but then I saw the guy with the ridiculously huge beard so I choose (Luke Harper)

Bria: Ladders! Got to love a good ladder match. But I have no idea so let’s say R-Truth, he seems pleasant. Wait, is real name is Ron Killings?

Ashley: In the battle of the ladder battle, Weeehhhhhd Barratt will surely receive some ‘bad news’ when he is defeated by none other than Stardust! Daniel Bryan’s valliant but vain attempts to understand Barratt’s Mancunian accented insults will serve only as a side show while Stardust quietly scales the ladder unopposed to grab the case.

 

AJ Lee & Paige vs. The Bella Twins

John: AJ Lee & Paige methinks, to set up something down the road. Hopefully this goes longer than whatever musical performance takes palce.

Barry: I’m not sure anyone cares. Paige and AJ, I suppose.

Rich: As for the ladies, once again., everyone wins here, I might even tune in to this ’bout’. What a group of hot bitches! I don’t care on the result and it’s just as well because I wont last till the end.

Alex: The big match in the Wrestlers With Long Hair But Without Beards division, this bout pitches frenemies against family. But then, aren’t families the epitome of frenemies? And aren’t some friendships closer to blood connections than families ever could be? And, when your back’s to the wall, who do you turn to? I mean, you don’t turn to anyone because your back is already against the wall – but who has your back? Your friends? Your family? Your enemies? The wall? Expect shocking revelations as this fight explores the very concept of relationships, both interpersonal and spatial. Winners: A J Lee and Paige

Gary: Bella twins: no idea why I chose them or how this match even matters. P.S. I like boobies

Bria: Though the smug look on her face suggests she doesn’t need it I’m going to have to give Brie Bella my sympathy vote. Too long have I suffered being called a French soft cheese and I (thankfully) have an ‘a’ in my name.

Ashley: In the battle of the Divas battle, the winner will be the Bella twins. Twins have an innate understanding of each other and therefore a tactical upper hand when working co-operatively. Look at Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito.

 

Bray Wyatt vs. The Undertaker

John: Where else could my drunken pound go? I still love you, Bray Wyatt.

Barry: Wyatt needs to actually win a match once in a while. I quite like the idea of young guys goading Taker into matches every year, just so they can beat him whilst it still means something and they know he’s an easy beat, and he just can’t say no, like an undead Ric Flair. Wyatt for the win

Rich: He has to be on his 7th life but even so, the other guy does not look like a sportsman. The Undertaker.

Alex: Who is the SCARIEST? Who is the SPOOKIEST? Who is the CREEPIEST? Clearly, the only way to decide something like this is through the ancient art of wrestling, hence this meeting of the WWE’s premiere horror-themed athletes. Let’s grant that both of these dudes have supernatural powers. In that case they’re probably both tapping into the same pool of dark, satanic energy. They’re probably both working with the same energy provider, is what I’m saying, which puts someone downstairs in quite a pickle over who to favour. There’s a high likelihood that the infernal power supplier is just going to throw its hands up and cut them both off, and in the end this will come down to two scruffy men tussling in a ring. In that case I’m gonna go for Bray Wyatt, because the Undertaker is, like, ninety. Winner: Bray Wyatt

Gary: Undertaker will lose to Bray Wyatt: if a pensioner recovering from a heart attack wins this match then I know these matches are fixed… What?

Bria: Bray Wyatt has longer hair than I will ever have so I’ll go for The Undertaker.

Ashley: In the battle of The Undertaker and Bray Wyatt, which is unfair really as The Undertaker is surely by now no more than a rotting corpse, there will be high drama abounding as Wyatt is tombstoned by The Undertaker’s rotting corpse! Only in WWE could you get this kind of entertainment.

 

Rusev vs. John Cena

John: Another foolish drunk pound. Rusev for me, although my heart will be sad when Cena wins.

Barry: I know the smart money is on Cena, but I just have this feeling that Rusev might sneak this one, and they might save his eventual defeat for someone like Reigns. Could be a tasty match.

Rich: ‘U S A !”

Alex: Yes, one is Russian and one is American. But sometimes two men just really want to wrestle each other. Is that so wrong? Does that need excusing or explaining by stressing nationalities, backgrounds or personal histories? Let’s just strip away the context and take this as it is, two heavily muscled men competing for a belt in a ring in front of a crowd. Why stop there? Lose the crowd, just two men, alone, grappling in a ring. Why do we need to structure the space? Picture them in a void, two men locked in a physical struggle for victory. But are the concepts of time and of victory strictly necessary? Goodbye title belt, and now we’re getting to it – two bodies, wrestling, eternally. Aren’t we now getting to the very essence of life? And without those bodies what do we have? One and one. Force and resistance – intertwined and interchangeable. The endless flow of energy, the dance of life. What matters is the dance, not who is left standing at the end.Winner: John Cena, of course.

Gary: Rusev will beat cena: because fuck john cena!!!! Goody two shoes golden boy bellend deserves to go down.

Bria: John Cena! John Cena! The guy rhymed ‘weight’ with ‘Colgate’. Genius!

Ashley: In the battle of Rusev versus John Cena, or as I like to think of it, WORLD WAR FUCKING THREE, the winner will be the communist doctrine of equal wealth distribution. This will be achieved through a double KO and the belt being shared. As a consequence, the belt will be lengthened to fit around the sizeable torsos of both Rusev and Cena who will spend the next year fighting together as a four-legged, four-armed, two-headed clash of cultures called ‘RuCena’. At next year’s WrestleMania, they will fight each other from inside the belt for the right to eject the other. You heard it here first.

 

Sting vs. HHH

John: Sting surely can’t lose his in his first (and possibly only) WWE match? Surely HHH is only around to lose to people at Wrestlemania now?

Barry: Sting. Because why not? Triple H doesn’t need to win a match ever again.

Rich: Sting. I’ve never liked HHH. Helly Hanson took him to court once.they lost.

Alex: Synchronicity brought these two together after all this time, when Triple H received Sting’s message in a bottle and agreed to meet him in Wrestlemania’s fields of gold belts. Even though the Tripster is the kind of guy who can’t stand losing, you know that the Vigilante is going to be the demolition man here, demonstrating just how fragile Triple H is, and leaving him thinking ‘Don’t stand so close to me!’ Don’t be surprised if The Game is driven to tears as The Icon shows him who’s the real king of pain. It’ll take more than seven days for Triple H to get over this one, and he’ll be feeling so lonely while Sting will be so happy, he’ll feel like he’s walking on the moon. Winner: Gordon Sumner

Gary: Sting will beat HHH : sting isn’t going to come back after all these years to lose. He might be old but he looks kinda like the crow and I like that so he’s gonna win

Bria: Triple H, no. Sting’s face paint is totally a steal from Kabuki Theatre (well, maybe). The Sting!

Ashley: In the battle of Sting and 3H, both athletes will be Walking on the Moon with joy at the chance to lift the sought-after belt of winners. Every Breath they Take will be in pursuit of victory over their foe. They have dreamed of this, their vanquished opponent cowering before them, screaming “Don’t Stand So Close”! They have imagined the crown placed upon their head, earning them the title of ‘King of Pain’. Ultimately, Sting will Da Doo Doo Doo Da Die Die Die horribly after mis-judging a frogsplash and impaling himself on a protruding splintered leg of the maligned Spanish Announcer’s table. 3H to win.

 

 

Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns

John: Brock Lesnar. I was umming and aaahing, but then Alex’s ham explanation sealed it for me.

Barry: I think this is going to be a cracking match, which will elevate Reigns even if he loses, which I think he will. I’d like to be both of these guys, a little bit. Brock Lesnar.

Rich: Brock Lesnar This guy is so ugly he has to be good at something, certainly wont get any female distractions with a head like that.

Alex: Brink Lacebra, the unanticipated result of a child’s wish thirty years ago that his rubber muscleman figure would come to life, wants to teach the world a lesson. He wants to show that charisma is no match for solidity, he wants to show that might really does make right, he wants people to stop saying he looks like ham. Roman Reigns, on the other hand, just wants to show people he’s more than just a pretty face, something that no-one’s really all that sure about anyway. Who has more to lose? Who WANTS it more? This one goes to the Man-ham.Winner: Brock ‘Ham Incarnate’ Lesnar

Gary: Lesnar to beat reigns : if I don’t get to watch him smash peoples brains in on UFC anymore. he had better kill somebody at mania!

Bria: My male flatmates introduced me to that face a couple of months ago. I don’t care how shallow it makes me it’s a no brainer, Roman Reigns!

Ashley: In the battle of Brock Lesnar and Roman Reigns, spectators will be doused in spatterings of their various champions’ blood in a gladiatorial spectacle, the like of which has not been seen since before the birth of our Christ and which will not be seen again until at least next Wednesday. The fight will culminate in a fully-fledged crucifixion, with Brock Lesnar crying to his wolf-deity that Roman Reigns knows not what he does. Only he does. He knows exactly what he does. He fucking crucifies people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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