WrestleMania XXXII: 5th Annual Expert Preview

Posted on April 3, 2016

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WrestleMania, bitches.

Another year has passed, and yet again WrestleMania is upon us. This year the roster is decimated by injuries, and as such the card has something of a thrown-together feel to it. Somehow this has led to a selection of matches that may give us a better show than whatever they had planned in the first place. Sure, not a lot of it makes sense, but as long as it’s all fun who cares?

It wouldn’t be the Showcase of the Immortals without expert predictions of course, and once again I’ve assembled a team of the finest wrestling intellects in the world to put forward the winners and losers of the event. To be honest, you don’t need to see it, you might as well consider these to be spoilers. Here’s the panel for 2016;

Me – me.
Barry Williams – The other wrestling fan involved, there is a picture of us as 2-year-olds dressed as sunflowers (or stars, I’m not sure)
Alex Williams – A veteran of the preview by now, Alex is a wildly impressive human being who truly understands Brock Lesnar.
Richard Orr – Impeccable jaw, classy fashion sense, looks like Andrea Schurrle. Another veteran, all round hero.
Florence Menard – A newcomer this year, Flo is the owner of the finest cycling helmet in all of the land, and cooks some delightful yet stinky meals.
Sarah Marshall – Another first timer, this certainly isn’t Marshall’s first WrestleMania rodeo. A veteran of Liverpool WrestleMania events, she knows her stuff but stuff what she knows.
Ashley Morton – An ever-present in the predictions, coming to us tonight live from the bath.

Let’s get to it…

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THE USOS vs. THE DUDLEY BOYZ

John Bills: I find myself in the strange position of not caring about this match, yet being happy at the existence of a no-frills tag team bout at WrestleMania. I’m going with the Dudleyz to win, because nobody cares about the Usos.
Barry Williams: The Dudley Boyz, as the defeat won’t really affect the Usos, because no-one pays attention to the pre-show.
Alex Williams: I am assuming that the Dudley Boyz are returning veterans, because they don’t exactly look like fresh-faced wrestling newbies. I’m also assuming that those are specialist ‘wrasslin’ specs’ that one of the boyz is wearing. The accuracy that comes with specialist equipment can be telling.
Richard Orr: The Dudley boyz reppin’ the west midland massive! Dudloiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
Florence Menard: Oh boy the last time these titans met, The Dudley Boyz were pretty confused about which Uso is which! As the Usos are fake twins, they pushed their resemblance to the point of having the same face paint and wife beaters. But the Dudley Boys learnt their lesson and Cerber Putini got himself a tattoo of glasses on his face, thinking it might help his team to distinguish the Usos bros. And it will, otherwise, why would you ever do something so stupid? Victory goes to The Dudley Boyz.
Sarah Marshall: The Dudley Boyz.
Ashley Morton: 
There’s no doubt about it, the Sudley Boyz are in hot water here. We’re about to witness a fabulous USO Show – will Winona Ryder perform her famous ping pong ball trick? Tune in to find out, but no amount of skillfully-delivered table tennis paraphernalia will be able to mask the high funk of Dudley shame.

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THE ANDRE THE GIANT BATTLE ROYAL (List of participants: Big Show, Kane, Curtis Axel, Bo Dallas, Adam Rose, Heath Slater, Damien Sandow, Darren Young, Jack Swagger, Tyler Breeze, Goldust, R-Truth, Mark Henry, Konnor, Viktor, Fandango)

JB: This is generally a lot of fun, and this year should be no different. Mark Henry for the career send off victory.
BW: Who is the least loser-y of all the losers? Give it to Big Show, why not.
AW: Every year, when Bills asks me to offer my opinions about Wrestlemania I feel like I come to the sport with fresh new eyes. That means that every year I delight in rediscovering that there is a professional wrestler called Fandango. Fandango! This will be his year.
RO: Here we are in BO DALLAS for the BIG SHOW featuring HEATH SLATER doing the FANDANGO. ADAM ROSE to JACK SWAGGER and thrashed his KANE but he couldn’t MARK HENRY. CURTIS AXEL grinding DAMIEN SANDOWn into GOLDUST, he blows away in the TYLER BREEZE. DARREN YOUNG will be the VIKTOR, aint that the R-TRUTH!
FM: Goldust has more than one trick up his sleeve. At least he’s got more tricks than sleeves. He is made of many more metals than gold, therefore he can play with all his opponents like an incredibly strong child would with LEGO. Goldust is the absolute Champion.
SM: Mark Henry.
AM: 
Kane’s Big Show in Dallas will see him Breeze to Viktory against Young Damien Sandow. His foes will fall pitifully like Jamie Carragher attempting to Mark Henry at Highbury in 2003. As for the rest of the field – Swagger? Truth? Swagger? Truth? Will they do in Fandango? Or will Heath Slater Kon us all and take the title? Curtis Axel victories are rarer than Goldust, so I wouldn’t give him a hope. (Adam Rose, I couldn’t work you in, I’m sorry. I’m writing this in the bath and quite frankly have tighter deadlines to make than will allow fitting your boring name into nonsensensical WrestlwMania babble. You won’t win anyway.)

Harry Kane to win.

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TOTAL DIVAS vs. TEAM B.A.D & BLONDE

JB: I think this exists so Brie Bella can ride off into the sun and start a family with Mr. Brie Bella, but I’m still going with BAD & BLONDE because dead to the world Emma is a wonderful character.
BW: There’s at least one person on Team Bad and Blonde who I don’t recognise, so by that logic, let’s go Total Divas.
AW: If this first team really is the totality of the Divas, encompassing all possible Divas, who exactly are they fighting? In order to compete in this match you have to be a Diva (an uncontroversial assumption I believe), and yet if you are a Diva then you are a part of the total number of all Divas, hence a member of the Total Divas. I propose that this fight is based on a misunderstanding that it is possible to compete against yourself in the wrestling ring, and that this misunderstanding will be cleared up in short order once the bout starts. This will leave the Total Divas as winners by default.
RO: Bad & Blonde, that’s like calling yourself “Terrible and stupid”, they will lose.. obviously.
FM: I hope you like tits and awesome hair, because you’ll get plenty of that stuff! The legend says that the 10 fighters were born in the same Italian circus and were then separated after birth, and fond themselves again many years later in the Foreign Legion. That story can be very inspirational for everyone, really. The Legion was a little too sexist and boring, so they decided to go back to their roots of show business, for our pleasure only! This game will be legendary in a century, believe me… or not, I don’t care. However, one team will prevail : don’t trust their dry spaghetti arms, they know how to kick: Team B.A.D & Blonde wins.
SM: Total Divas.
AM:
Well, team B.A.D and Blonde appear to be neither bad nor blonde, the multi-barneted liars. The Divas team are sponsored this year by Total, although I’m unsure if that is the widely used variety of toothpaste or the conveniently located and personably-staffed chain of petrol stations. Either way, their fully-fuelled demolition of these misleading bastards will be clean, smooth and minty fresh.

 

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AJ STYLES vs. CHRIS JERICHO

JB: AJ Styles at WrestleMania is going to be so wonderful to see. Jericho is a thousand times better as a hell as well, so this will be so much fun. AJ for the win, this will be great.
BW: Styles must win, surely? He’s up against someone he’s called a jackass repeatedly on worldwide television, so he’d look a little silly if he lost, wouldn’t he?
AW: What can we say about this match? Here are two men. Two men who wrestle. They work out. One has a beard, one does not. One has a jacket, one does not. When they meet in the ring this Sunday, it is highly likely that there will be a fight. I know nothing about either man. AJ Styles.
RO: AJ styles, May the walls come tumbling down! Hurrah
FM: AJ Styles was preparing the whole year for this fight, and his hair is indeed impeccable. However it is predictable Chris Jericho wins because of his astonishing resemblance with McGyver.
SM: AJ Styles.
AM: AJ was a character in the popular Micheal Bay blockbuster, Armageddon, portrayed by Ben Affleck. A ‘fleck’ is a small patch of colour or light. ‘Lights Out’ is a very good song by now-disbanded Brit-rockers Reuben. In the Bible, Reuben was the eldest son of Jacob and Leah. Princess Leah is the daughter of Anakin Skywalker/ Darth Vader in Star Wars. Wars are fought by armies, most of whom have a designated marching band battalion with instruments such as drums, tubas and trumpets. And trumpets are what were blown so loudly by Joshua’s Israelite army that they caused the fall of the walls of Jericho.

And that’s why AJ will win.

 

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ZACK RYDER vs. STARDUST vs. DOLPH ZIGGLER vs. KEVIN OWENS vs. SAMI ZAYN vs. SIN CARA vs. THE MIZ [Ladder Match)

JB: Token get loads of men on the card ladder match! It’s so strange seeing Zack Ryder in something, I’m tempted to go with him for that reason a lone. But my main man Kevin Owens is here, and his run as champion must go on.
BW: No-one cares about Zack Ryder, not even his own family. Stardust isn’t going anywhere. Ziggler is a wank-puffin. The Miz could be a shout, and I won’t rule out Sin Cara, but I think Owens will retain leading to a feud with Zayn.
AW: As always, in any ladder match, my first prediction is that the ladder will win. But! This rarely happens. Therefore, I should be more careful in making my prediction. Who looks like they are the BEST AT CLIMBING LADDERS? Kevin Owens is a bit chunky. Sin Cara is going to find it hard to keep his eyes on where he’s stepping in that mask, likewise the Miz in those shades. Dolph Ziggler’s long hair could (conceivably) get tangled in the rungs. Stardust – some kind of PVC bodysuit? No traction there, my friend. Reasoning, therefore, leads me to either Zack Ryder or Sami Zayn. Not sure of the potential pros and cons of beards re: climbing ladders so I’m just going to flip a coin. Sami Zayn.
RO: DOLPH ZIGGLER is the greatest name I have ever read.. Still yet to say it out loud, I can’t wait.
FM: From all this joyful band of no-necks, I have a doubt just between Sami Zayn and Stardust. They perfected their technique whereas the others are here just for decoration, no offense. Sami has a great jumping tactics and Stardust is more of a “clunch” man. Really Stardust never wanted to be a wrestler, and he started this career path to please his father. He might lack of passion but he is nevertheless a killing machine, probably out of spite. He is going to wipe that beautiful smile out of Zayn’s face in no time. On the way to his victory, Stardust might kill one or two other opponents just for fun.
SM: Sami Zayn.
AM: Dolphin Gigolo? Sim City?? The Jizz??? What are these names? What has modern wrestling become? A macabre home of the sordid and ill-repute? Cock Ryder???? Sam Insane????? Fred Durst?????? Kevin Owens is the only one of them who seems like a decent chap. He’ll win, I’m sure.

 

 

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KALISTO vs. RYBACK

JB: This is such a strange match. I’m with many others in thinking the US Title should have been the multi-man clusterfuck, with the IC match being Owens and Zayn. I’m going with Kalisto.
BW: 
I think this could be the sleeper hit of the night, and Kalisto will retain.
AW: Through the wretched, knotted trees that surround the skeletal hovel in which I reside a solitary raven flew. In through the window it swooped (every pane of glass having long since been shattered) and, alighting on my desk, fixed me with a baleful gaze.

“Bills wants your Wrestlemania predictions,” it squawked.

“Wrestlemania?” I mumbled, uncomprehending at first for my year had been spent contemplating manias of far different stripes. “Then it continues? The ring has not yet fallen?”

“The ring is eternal and ever hungry,” the raven angled its head, looking around at the squalor of my workplace. It hopped across the wooden desktop and pecked at a discarded hobnob. “The ring will always need desperate men to fill it, and there will always be desperate men to do so.” There was a pause while the bird took some time to really dig into the biscuit. Finally it spoke again. “Kalisto vs. Ryback, what say you?” I thought on’t.

“Fucked if I know. Ryback, I suppose.”
RO: 
What is going on in this image, Ryback? More like Bareback!

(Ryback is a well-respected ‘Bear’ in the Gay community )
FM: Ryback’s best move –his detachable head – always takes his opponents by surprise. Kalisto may laugh his ass off for now, but he’s gonna crack his pants from fear when he sees that bold head twist and twirl in the air. The winner is Ryback.
SM: Kalisto.

AM: 
Kalisto seems a Jovial character. Ryback needs someone to dote on, someone to spoon at night and tell him everything will be ok in the morning, don’t you worry, love. I don’t think he’s going to find that kind of assurance from Kalisto, who will pummel him. Poor Ryback.

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THE NEW DAY vs. THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS

JB: This should really be for the brass pennies, but for some reason it isn’t. As long as New Day come out with unicorns or something, it should be fun. Rusev deserves more, in fact all of the League do. Still, I can’t look past New Day here, mostly because Wade Barrett loses.
BW: ‘League of Nations rock!’ chants no-one, and for good reason. Except for Sheamus, who does rock – I watched a programme about him today where he was being interviewed by Angela Scanlon, and she couldn’t have acted any more available to him if she’d been wearing a t-shirt saying ‘let me sit on your face’, whilst he just totally ignored her flirtations, which was pretty cool. Still, beady beard is going to be on the wrong side on Sunday night. New Day Rock!
AW: Research reveals that the League of Nations does not actually consist of a wrestler from every nation on the planet. Instead, it’s quite a threadbare representation – Ireland, Mexico, Bulgaria and Great Britain. That’s a pretty random mix. I don’t know anything about wrestling, recent WWE history, the wrestlers involved, or the diplomatic relations between those nations, but I’m not particularly optimistic about their chances. New Day.
RO: The League of Nations (“designed to promote peace”) vs The new day (conjures up imagery of sunrises to a soundtrack of birdsong).

Only right then that this should be an all out blood bath.
FM: The New Day really worked on their smiles before the match. Is that because they are shit scared of The League of Nations and they’re trying to hide it? I would try. Especially with the third one on the picture, who looks like he could literally eat my brains by sucking them out of my ears. Maybe the best thing to do is to pretend you’re dead on the ring. I don’t know, I’ve never tried that technique before. But The New Day have peculiar outfits that allow them to be seen on the road by night. And this will drive the League of Nations completely crazy, like it drove many other opponents directly to the nuthouse. The New Day: Win, with a grin.
SM: The League of Nations
AM: The New Day
. Because LOOK AT THEM. The League of Gentlemen will simply be charmed into submission.

 

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SASHA BANKS vs. CHARLOTTE FLAIR vs. BECKY LYNCH

JB: The first triple threat ladies match at Mania for a while I believe, and one that will surely top anything that has come before it in the division. This should be the official crowning of Sasha Banks as Women’s Champion.
BW: Talking of Irish redheads, I think Becky Lynch should win this one, just so that she might get some extra royalties. They’ve given her a t-shirt with ‘Lass Kicker’ on it, which cuts her potential customer base in half, so let her have a few guaranteed paydays on PPV. Sasha’s going to win, though, and I think this could be a great match.
AW: Who knows what history exists between these three wrestlers? Who knows their individual fighting styles, and their form in previous encounters. I’ll be honest, not me. I’m going to go for Charlotte, because the other two have faintly irritating eccentric eye-wear on top of their heads in the promo pictures.
RO: I’m the VC of ‘The Lynch Mob’ – Becky’s devoted fan club..we think she will win, or there will be consequences.

FM: I see a lot of pointy things here and potentially harmful objects, this match will be a bloodbath! Sasha Banks learnt it at her expenses three years ago during the game that almost signed the end of her career, and she is taking none of it this time, just like her ring says. Boom! Sasha Banks rises.
SM: Charlotte.
AM: 
Oh orange hair wins here. Always orange hair. And I’m going to go ahead and guess that that’s Becky Lynch.

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DEAN AMBROSE vs. BROCK LESNAR (No Holds Barred)

JB: Oh god, Dean Ambrose, I fear for you. You are going against Brock Lesnar, literal hard man, and all is legal. The only chance Ambrose has is if Lesnar gets bored or something. Or maybe he uses Funk’s chainsaw. Brock Lesnar will win, because he is Brock Lesnar.
BW: Ambrose, probably by chopping Brock’s leg off, or running over him with a car or something. Looking forward to this one!
AW: Street ham! This seems like the most intriguing match of the night to me. How is this going to work? Do they construct a street in one corner of the stadium? Do they adjourn to the parking lot? Is there a conveniently seedy alley nearby? Are there authentic street props like street lights, trash cans and stray cats that the combatants can utilise? Bronx Kazbar is a man-monster, and I’ve written in the past about how his cured-meat physique may be impervious to punches and holds. But what might be telling here is the street setting. In the ring, on the smooth canvas, Lesbar is unstoppable. But on rough concrete and abrasive paving, his soft, pink, putty-like exterior may prove all too pliable. Brisk may end up half the man he was. Dean Ambrose.
RO: Brock Lesnar’s mate ‘No Holds’ Usually comes in to lend a hand here. If he’s been barred the Dean for the win.
FM: That same evening, Dean is playing Stanley in “A Streetcar named desire” and will come straight from the show, to be then crucified by Brock Lesnar (No Shit Taken). At least this is what Brock Lesnar thinks. That tattoo on the latter’s chest is actually covering a huge scar. Apparently Brock had his own heart removed and barbecued, to prove he is ready to eat more juicy hearts, but this time of other people. But Dean knows the routine, and learnt a lot of psychological tricks thanks to his role of Stanley, and he is going to try his charm and luck on Brock. Look at these blazing eyes! What a waste! The victory goes naturally to Brock Lesnar.
SM: Brock Lesnar.

AM: Ambrosia custard vs. BRICK LASER? Bitch, please.

 

 

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SHANE MCMAHON vs. THE UNDERTAKER (Hell in a Cell)

JB: All I ask is they stick to shenanigans and plunder, and try not to put on an actual match. Bring out the Mean Street Posse, bring out the Corporate Ministry, DX, nWo, Raven’s Flock, the Legion of Doom, all of the guys Taker beat at WrestleMania and lord knows who else. Even so, Taker wins, because jesus, of course.
BW: What the hell, let’s say Shane. I really don’t know.
AW: Shane McMahon looks like a tremendously punchable idiot. Going by the promo photo for this match-up the Undertaker is going to murder him, murder his corpse until he’s just bits and pieces, murder those bits and pieces until they’re nutritious compost, then use that compost to fertilize his garden (in which only black tulips and flowers that look like skulls grow). I’m sure it’s not going to be that simple, but I’ve still gotta go for the Undertaker here.
RO: Undertaker to choke slam Shane through the gates of hell,
FM: 
These two might as well work on their catwalk, we hadn’t seen such fashion clash since Eminem and Prince!

Eeny Meeny Miny Moe,

Catch a wrestler by the toe,

If he hollers let him go,

but Shane won’t squall, he’ll fight back and take The Undertaker by the toe, or by the neck and crack it… and steal his awesome leather hat and put it on eBay. So, Shane McMahon is the absolute winner.
SM: The Undertaker
AM: 
My bath is now so low (we have a slow leaking plug) that my ass is still wet but my balls are completely dry.

I wonder if the Undertaker undertakes on motorways? #nearlyemptybaththoughts

Undertaker to win.

 

 

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TRIPLE H vs. ROMAN REIGNS

JB: Don’t want to write about it, but the No DQ element makes me think something is up. Interference is inevitable, and I’m going out on a limb and saying Finn Balor, Karl Anderson and Doc Gallows give Triple H help, only to be thwarted by Dean Ambrose and a returning Seth Rollins. Reigns wins, and The Shield returns.
BW: Roman Reigns all the way, with Triple H doing everything he can to make him look like the boss.
AW: I know very, very little about professional wrestling and the WWE, but even I can see that this is some upper-management mandated main event. Whoever wins, the audience loses? Is that how this goes? Fingers crossed for multiple surprise guests, an explosion, a musical number, an interlude in the Swiss Alps, and a humourous interruption from the animal kingdom. Triple H.
RO: Ha Ha Ha ..no contest, Tripple for the win!
FM: His injury the last season left Triple H with a suspicious bandage on the left hand. Some say he would hide a motherboard under the bandages and program the match in advance. But this hypothesis is ridiculous, it is not the XXXth Century! But it is also not the Ist Century, so Roman Reigns looses, after a highly pathetic attempt to rule the world. Triple H is for Ha! Ha! Ha! Bravo Triple H, you are really strong.
SM: Triple H
AM: Hhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Gosh, he’s looking old. He could even be a Roman. I’m leaving this one to fate. I have a toothbrush here in the bathroom with me. I’m’a toss it on the floor. If the brush head points left, Hhhhhhhhhhhh will win. If it points right, it’s victory for RR. Here goes…

It landed left! HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH to win!!!!!!

Enjoy the show everyone.

 

 

 

 

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