WrestleMania 33 – 6th Annual Expert Predictions

Posted on April 2, 2017

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In a bit of a rush this year, as the magical combination of early morning waking and cross-continent flying (kind of) has left my brain resembling sludge, and I’m not talking Bongripper. By the time you read this WrestleMania 33 will already be underway, so let’s waste no time and get to the 6th annual Expert Predictions. There are 13 matches on this show, and I think the majority will be with me in saying ‘fuck that’.

Let’s meet the experts…

John Bills – Me, wrestling fan of 25 years, legitimate Repo Man fan.
Bria de la Mare – My partner in crime, my lemon and lime, the cheese to my chive.
Barry Williams – The closest thing to a fan outside of myself, Barry has an extremely cute dog and is your man when it comes to organising kids rugby.
Kayleigh Williams – A predictions debutant, Kayleigh is a roller derby extraordinaire that made the questionable decision to legally bind herself to Barry.
Alex Williams – Three Williams? Yikes. Alex is a predictions veteran by now. He enjoyed WrestleMania 32 so much, he had a child to celebrate.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship – Neville vs. Austin Aries

John – The Cruiserweight division is all the better for angry troll-man Neville on top. This will be grand, and Neville will win.
Bria – Anyone defending anything who’s named Neville obviously needs a little extra support
Barry – Austin Aries, as they seem very keen on him, though I’m not yet convinced.
Kayleigh – Neville, because I’ve heard of him, and he used to pretend to be a superhero. Didn’t he team up with the Arrow?
Alex – What we are looking at here, folks, is total war. Neville, named, I assume, for the former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom who was incumbent at the start of the second world war, versus Austin Aries, whose astrological moniker could also be heard as Ares, Greek God of war. War – ain’t nothing but a heartbreaker. War – friend only to The Undertaker. We’ll see more of him later, folks (wink).

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

JB – Braun Strowman. It has to be, right?
BdlM – I’m going to go with Curt Hawkins who was declared as a participant on March the 14th because this was the closest declaration date to my birthday (19th)
BW – Tian Bing, because why not?
KW – Sami Zayn, because I like his music.
AW – This year, as every year – Fandango. Hell, he’s still working isn’t he? One day it’s gotta be his turn.

WWE SmackDown Women’s Championship – Alexa Bliss vs. Everyone Else

JB – Naomi wins back the title in her hometown. I’d personally prefer Emma to start getting some sort of dang respect, but Naomi winning will be a lovely moment.
BdlM – Naomi – A) Because daaamn that dress B) I read something about her having to forfeit her title because of injury. My achy joints sympathise plus I smell a comeback story (and pesto)
BW – I’m hoping that Alexa retains, so that’s my prediction, or that Asuka comes out as a surprise entrant and smashes everyone.
KW – Alexa with interference.
AW – What with the extensive involvement I have with the wrestling world (writing this nonsense once a year for Bills), I’m getting used to the idea that the women’s wrestling matches at Wrestlemania will generally be stacked with contestants. And even with the expert knowledge that I bring to my crucial analysis of the goings on in the squared heptagon, it can be hard to pick a winner. Flipping my specially commissioned six-sided coin reveals that the winner of this rumble will be Naomi.

WWE RAW Tag Team Championship – Gallows & Anderson vs. Enzo & Cass vs. Cesaro & Sheamus

JB – Enzo & Cass seem to be the favourites here, but I’m gonna stick with The Club for the win.
BdlM – Cesaro and Sheamus – Is Sheamus the one with translucent skin?
BW – Enzo and Cass, as they’ve never won any titles before and Mania is a nice place for that sort of thing.
KW – Cesaro and Sheamus, because of the whole rugby thing.
AW – Ma’am, do you see the circus entertainer who swiped your purse in this line-up? No, but seriously folks, much as I enjoyed Enzo’s 2011 hit single ‘Party Rock Anthem’… No, but seriously folks, even though I am very impressed by Sheamus’s efforts to make his head look like a rocket ship for kids parties… No, but seriously folks, these guys make me very, very sad.

WWE Intercontinental Championship – Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin

JB – Seems a little early for Corbin, no? Ambrose was world champ six months ago, now he’s considered the underdog against The Big Breakfast. Not for me. Ambrose wins.
BdlM – DEAN AMBROSE reminding me of Ambrosia custard everyday
BW – Corbin, because he knows how to use a forklift truck.
KW – I would like Ambrose, but a Corbin win will further the plot for the future.
AW – Well aren’t these two a surly looking pair! This is another one of those matches where predicting is hard for me, because caring is hard. Oh, if I must. Prediction: Dean Ambrose

WWE United States Championship – Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens

JB – Friendship! Friendship! Owens has to win really, although the story suggests this is the time that Jericho gets his revenge. But come on, Owens must win.
BdlM – Owens, I think I like Jericho but the scarf is really putting me off so Owens.
BW – Jericho, because he’s the wronged party, and the good guy should get his revenge at Wrestlemania.
KW – Owens, because he’s a normal human being-shaped wrestler.
AW – Two rough’n’tough bruisers here. One of those occasions when I feel that maybe not knowing anything about wrestling might be a bit of a handicap in picking a winner. I’ll go with Kevin Owens, because his initials are KO, which I assume is why he got into fighting in the first place, and is probably something that he brings up at every available opportunity.

WWE RAW Women’s Championship – Bayley vs. Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Nia Jax

JB – WWE sure did find a way to make better women’s wrestling boring didn’t they? Sasha Banks wins, finally turns heel, everything starts again.

BdlM – Bayley “At the center of it all is Bayley, the dreamer who finally reached the mountaintop” If she climbed a mountain I think she can do this
BW – Sasha, because of future storylines and all that stuff.
KW – Bayley, because she’s a hugger.
AW – Ooooh, this is a tough one to call. My first instinct is that Nia Jax has clearly slipped through the cracks of Disney’s first cyber-punk musical and that the other wrestlers won’t be ready for the world of hurt that she will unleash. On closer inspection though, it seems that Sasha Banks is STILL rocking those plastic slatted shades from a few years back. That suggests an iron will and ruthless dedication I hadn’t expected.

John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz & Maryse

JB – The Miz and Maryse win, because they have legally proved their commitment already.
BdlM – I committed to Cena as a naïve, young girl so let’s be done with it and see him pop the question, Nikki & Cena
BW – Cena and Nikki, obviously. And probably a proposal afterwards.
KW – Cena and Nikki, because they’re Cena and Nikki.
AW – Couples therapy? This is one way to go about it I guess. Prediction: Bella and Cena

Triple H vs. Seth Rollins

JB – Seth has to win? WrestleMania should be about feel-good moments, and the little shit who broke up The Shield getting his revenge on the bigger shit almost qualifies as one.
BdlM -I think I hate Triple H so Seth Rollins.
BW – I’m going Triple H, not sure why, just a feeling.
KW – Seth. Management should never win.
AW – A ‘Non-Sanctioned Match’ sounds like a juicy slice of street-fighting fun, but I just can’t dredge up too much excitement about these two chumps. Prediction: Triple H.

AJ Styles vs. Shane McMahon

JB – The best wrestler in the world against the living embodiment of nepotism? AJ wins.
BdlM – AJ STYLES AJ STYLES AJ STYLES
BW – AJ, because what’s the point in Shane winning?
KW – AJ, because McMahons never win
AW – Don’t get me wrong, I would like nothing more than to see Shane McMahon get slapped around the chops so hard that his pants fall down. I’m just not sure that this Styles customer is the chap to do it.

The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns

JB – The real estate battle comes to the squared circle! The Undertaker should probably be done now, and as much as it would have annoyed me in the past, Roman should win.
BdlM – Can I pick neither? John you can pick for me
BW – Always back the Dead Man. Always.
KW – The Undertaker, because he’s The Undertaker.
AW – Ah, here he is. Once again, I wonder about the legality of allowing a man with actual, real supernatural powers to compete against mere mortals in a wrestling ring. And again I wonder if, given the unholy forces he clearly wields, The Undertaker wouldn’t be better off spending his time doing something other than professional wrestling. I guess we should all be glad that for the last seventy two years he has chosen the canvas of the wrestling ring on which to practice his art. Some folks appear to be suggesting that this year, at last, could mark The Undertaker’s retirement. Fools. The Undertaker is LITERALLY a DEAD MAN. Why would he need to retire, or even rest? The Undertaker will NEVER retire. You can take that to the bank, friends.

WWE World Championship – Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton

JB – Trying to explain this is quite difficult, but methinks that be a good thing. I don’t think the world really needs another Randy Orton championship reign in 2017, so lets have Bray win thanks to those excellent Erick Rowan videos.
BdlM – The Wyatt family freak me out too much, sorry, Randy Orton
BW – He burns down someone’s property, with a cameraman clearly locked inside and deliberately set fire to the resting place of someone’s dead relative, so obviously Orton will win.
KW – Wyatt, because Orton is boring, and all of the above. They welcomed him in and he burned their house down.
AW – Randy Orton looks like the kind of athlete who removes every extraneous follicle of hair in order to be as aerodynamic as possible. Bray Wyatt looks like he’s trying to maximise wind resistance – he’s about as aerodynamic as a rhino draped in shag carpet. Wrestling, though… well, wrestling’s a game of traction, folks. Prediction: Bray Wyatt

WWE Universal Championship – Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar

JB – It ain’t gonna be long, that’s for sure. Lesnar wins, Goldberg leaves.
BdlM – Brock Lesnar, he Brocks my world
BW – Goldberg, in a thirty minute mat wrestling classic. Only kidding, let’s have 10 minutes of chaos and blood and give Lesnar the belt.
KW – Brock, because Brock destroys everybody. (Note – I did tell her that he’s never beaten Goldberg, and that he lost in a minute last time, but such is the strength of perception).
AW – And the wind cries “Lesnar.” Here I am again, staring into the semi-lifelike eyes of Brott Lebnar, trying to scry out whether this year will finally be his year. Will this be the year that he finally breaks the warlock’s curse and becomes a real boy? The putty and minced meat frame in which his soul has resided for so long, and which has served him well as a fighter, wears heavier every year. If only grumpy old man Goldberg weren’t so set on him staying a pseudo-man. Still, maybe this will be the year that the ‘Little Engine That Could Incarnate’ finally shows us that dreams can come true. Prediction: Brat Wurstnar

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